Quit the Bitchin

“Quit the Bitchin’”

“What’s the problem with women?” Don’t look at me like that, you heard me, what’s the problem with women? Someone asked me that recently, I guess assuming that since I am a woman, a Black woman at that, they were going to get a rise out of me and instigate the innate head-whipping, finger-snapping hostility of the angry Black woman that would ordinarily rain down on anyone that would dare condescend to say something was wrong with women. The problem is, I think there is often something terribly wrong, or maybe just terribly lacking, in way too many women.

It can often be hard to say whether or not some women are never taught this trait, or just never learn to fully accept it, but I believe that one of the biggest problems with many women is that they simply do not know how to be, or even appreciate the concept of being independent, and this becomes the focus of their lives. And when you never learn to develop something as basic and necessary as your independence, your ability to fully function as an individual and make your own judgments, no other path in your life can ever be clearly defined. You can never truly know if your choices, decisions, and goals are born from your desires or from those of the people around you because a lack of independent thought has shielded you from yourself.

Too many women are still guided by the need to have someone take care of them either financially, emotionally or physically. We spend countless hours, dollars, and minutes on our cell phones stressing over clothes, hair, makeup, what places to go to, who’s available, and how to hook ‘em. Opposite sex or same sex, the game doesn’t change much.

Some women put all of themselves out there just hoping someone will look their way, even if it’s only for a night. The more flesh and flash they show the better, and they usually go for someone who reciprocates in kind (but often anyone will do). Other women play hard to get and add some mystery, giving the impression not to care but secretly begging someone to catch their eye.

Yes, there are an honest lot who really stand alone, strong, proud and solid in their independence. Whether they are in or not in a relationship, they are self-aware and self-assured and more than capable of a content and stable life on their own.

Most women tell ourselves and others that we don’t need anyone in our lives or beds; we can pay our own bills, take care of our own babies, and do anything else that we need physically just fine all by ourselves. But that doesn’t stop us from stressing or spending or mourning over our dreadfully lonely lives. We read about it, watch movies about it, drink about it, cry about it, and insist we are just fine all by ourselves.

It also doesn’t stop us from bashing and tearing down the character and integrity of the very catch that we are fishing for. We are all still looking for our version of Prince (or Princess if that’s the preference) Charming and using so much energy being angry at the world that (s)he doesn’t exist that we can’t see a true king or queen when (s)he’s presented to us. We still want to believe that the ideal person, the breathtakingly gorgeous, millionaire, financial genius, with the mansion on the hill, summer home in Europe, man with the perfect personality, no baggage, no kids, no ex’s, just all the love in their heart for you (and a wedding ring too!), is waiting right around the corner to just sweep us away into heaven on earth. Screw everyone else, they’re just not good enough.

And we pass these lessons on to our children. Our daughters see us giving our lives and selling our souls rather than stand strong alone, and our sons see what a woman is willing to do and sacrifice for his future affections. They learn young, hard lessons that shape their behavior, for better or worse.

Women need to re-learn and re-embrace some lessons that we tend to forget. First of all, don’t be a hypocrite. How can you ask for a person to come into a relationship with no baggage when there isn’t a single one of us who hasn’t been in a relationship, or family, or childhood who doesn’t have baggage? We all have our issues, and if you think you don’t have issues then that’s your issue.

Along that line, how many of us are breathtakingly gorgeous, millionaires, financial geniuses, with the mansions on the hill, and summer homes in Europe? How many have no kids? It’s just an unrealistic request. It’s asking someone to pick up your slack really.

We need to stop looking someone to fill in the blanks and correct everything that we think is wrong in our lives. We need to learn that we have everything that we need in ourselves to do that for ourselves. Women have the power to start revolutions and movements, lead governments and corporations, be the top in their fields and strongest in their leagues. Women are pioneers and trailblazers, and we have to forge ahead three times as hard in a male dominated society, which just shows our individual and collective strength.

I could list names of female abolitionists, teachers, CEO’s, civil rights leaders, political heads, doctors, religious leaders across nations, cultures, races and generations that have proven that all it takes is the inner motivation first to know that one woman can lift, move, or demolish mountains, but the list would never end.

And last, once we have come to appreciate, respect, and reassert our independence, we need to appreciate, respect, and reassert our opinions on some of the men we may have previously overlooked. I take comfort when I look at my younger brother and nephew. They are two of the youngest new fathers in my family (my brother is also a new husband). They are trying very hard to be good men. My brother actually talks to me (I mean he talks to me, the way a man needs to sometimes but we, as women, don't let them often enough) when he is having problems. Then he feels comfortable enough to go home and talk to his wife. They have a child now and a child on the way and they are happy.

My nephew has two boys in two states that he is taking care of, one that is medically fragile by an equally medically fragile woman, and he moved to another state to be with her and the baby. He travels for hours on the weekends to be with his son and to make sure his sons get to know each other.

These are the Prince Charmings that we were looking for. Yes, they came wrapped up in packages that may have been overlooked by the average woman; intelligent thugs, with their own baggage, but they were just diamonds in the rough. And luckily someone took the time to notice.

And they both have sons....more good men in the making. See how quickly the world can change if we are willing to make the change with it? If we are willing to take pride and strength in our true and natural independence, we might find that what we thought was missing all along was never actually missing. Just buried under a heap of distractions and self-pity.

And for those who just need that hope, think of it this may; maybe, just maybe, if you take the time to focus on building yourself up to your personal standard, then it will be noticed and admired by the person who is meant to compliment your life. Like in the movie, “If you build it, he will come.”