Healing Can Come from Releasing

Over the past few days I've been having conversations with folks about healing or releasing abusive relationships. There have been some extremely difficult conversations especially with people who have decided that certain relationships, no matter the guilt or assumed obligations that come with that relationship, need to be accepted as they are and then released.

In light of that, I decided to revisit some unpleasant conversations I had with someone whom I consider emotionally abusive to me. I can do this because the relationship eventually became so abusive and precarious that I began recording conversations with them. I honestly wanted to be able to do just this, listen to these conversations at a later date, when I was distanced from the relationship and felt no further obligation. I was told so many times that I was overreacting, or being too emotional, or just that I was wrong.

Emotional Abuse - by marcgosselin - image found on DeviantArt

Even over a recording, even with time and distance between us, even knowing that I am under no obligation to ever see this person again, I felt the same anger, and shame, and hurt, and betrayal, and punishment that I felt in the moment. I felt nauseous and my heart started racing (which consequently sent my BabyBump into a tizzy!) and I could barely make it through one recording. It was horrible. I picked this recording in particular because there were others with me when it was recorded and since then one of those people has completely watered down the conversation in their mind. When we discussed it, I was told it wasn't that bad and they didn't remember harsh words being exchanged. They were so very wrong. I was called names, my family was insulted, it was wretched.

In the end, the lesson for me is to trust my heart, my gut, my instincts. No one but me knows how a person makes me feel and no one but me has to cope with those feelings, so no one but me can decide if that relationship is worth mending or releasing. I'm secure in my decision to release that relationship and I accept that. I feel that releasing this relationship is the only way to heal this relationship and heal myself at the same time. I can't force others to accept it or even understand it, and that's okay as well, because no one else has to live my life but me.

Urban Hippie Love - Staying In Touch

Hi there!

I've been filtering and sorting through the messages I've gotten over the past year or so and I've realized I get a lot of parenting, relationship and homeschooling questions. Way too many of these messages have gone unanswered either directly or through some sort of post so I'm tackling that task now.

One question I get asked a lot in various ways is if my husband, son and I are as 'touchy feely' in person as we appear to be in public and on the web. I guess we are big on the PDA's, huh? (I love you, babe!!) Well I pulled our family blog Urban Hippie Love out of retirement and posted my answer there! Click on over and check it out...

**Urban Hippie Love - Staying In Touch**

Keep the questions coming and I promise to be better about keeping the answers coming! :)

Month of Me! - Day 18

Today is a video playlist. Very simply, it's songs that over the years have been the soundtrack to my love for my husband. There are more and the playlist changes, but these seem to stay in heavy rotation.

There are so many ways that I love you, babe. There aren't enough genres. There isn't enough music.
-----

Kindred the Family Soul - "Where Would I Be"

Kindred the Family Soul - "Stars"

Common - "The Light"

Erykah Badu - "Love of My Life; An Ode to Hip Hop"

Stevie Wonder - "Overjoyed"

Raheem DeVaughn - "You"

Jason Mraz - "I'm Yours"

Robin Thicke - "Lost Without U"

Chrisette Michele - "Love Is You"

Jamiroquai - "Canned Heat"

Raul Midon - "Sunshine"

Luther Vandross - "A House is Not a Home"

Duke Ellington and John Coltrane - "In A Sentimental Mood"

 

Bi the Way: I am Bisexuality at it's Finest!

this is a post from my new, R-rated, NSFW, cover the kid's eyes blog Other Side of Mama. on Other Side of Mama i take great and grand liberties in letting my freak flag fly and kicking the censors to the curb. on Other Side of Mama i pay homage to the foul-mouthed floozy within! and as such, my first official post there is being highlighted on BlogHer.com in the Life section (HAPPY DANCE!!)! I'm very proud of this and i wanted to share my news all over the place so if the kids are in bed and you're not feeling too sensitive, hop on over and give it a read, tell me what you think! :D

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first valentine

so I have to tell you about my first real valentine's day, the first valentine's I spent with mar, the father of my child and man I'm going to marry.

this particular valentine's shouldn't have even happened. I was 15, he was 16. we had only been together for about four months when valentine's day rolled around, but I was already well aware of his general anti-holiday stance. valentine's was worse than most since he felt he did a pretty good job of showing me his love everyday. he was right, he did. but I was 15 and I had a boyfriend and it was valentine's day! I was willing to not get anything because of the principle, but i couldn't stop pouting.

it was evening. I was home in my room, laying on the bed reading and hiding, trying to suck in my lip. the doorbell rang but I figured it was for one of my brothers, went back to reading. I didn't even hear him come up the stairs or down the long hallway to my room, he was just suddenly in my bedroom door.

he dropped to his knees by the bed and handed me a flower box. 'so uh, yeah, I was told to deliver this here box.' I opened it and it was full of the prettiest, sweetest daisies! I would have been so disappointed in roses, way too cliche for us. then I looked closer.

some of the flowers were attached to each other. I picked one up and a string of them came along. he'd taken a bunch and fashioned them into a necklace! he slipped it around my neck then he picked up a small daisy from the box and slipped it around my finger, he'd made it into a perfect little ring.

it was my first real valentine's day and it was beautiful and I spent it with the man that I'll spend the rest of my valentine's days with.

happy valentine's day. I love you, baby.

babylove's love

this is a notice to everyone who will spend time with our baby boy alone, the people who love him and want to bond with him. he's a really good kid, honest! he doesn't mean to break your furniture and pull apart your electronic devices. he's just curious and very enthusiastic.

we want you to know that he probably likes you, he's very friendly, but he does have some unusual ways of showing affection, coupled with his....enthusiasm, it's easy to confuse his affection for minor acts of terrorism. this is a basic guide to understanding babylove's expressions of affection.



1. if he stares at you blankly for extended periods he probably likes you, or at least he's interested in learning what you're bringing to the table. captivate him with exagerated funny faces & sound effects and you've made a friend.

2. if he shrieks and runs away from you, he likes you. he just gets so excited in your presence he simply must flee. this is how he responds everytime he sees his father!

3. if he throws things at you he does like you. especially if he aims for your head. he's just sharing.

4. if he asks you to pick him up, then immediately put him down, then pick him up again, then repeat, he really likes you. he thinks you're worthy of being his plaything.

5. if he runs at you then pummels you about the head, neck, and chest with his strong little fists he thinks you're great! you're so great he can't believe you're real unless he pounds on you repeatedly!

6. if he's sitting on your lap and suddenly tries to agressively climb, you he loves you! he loves you so much he has to get closer to you, climb inside of you even.

7. on the rarest of occassions he will actually take your face in both of his little hands, says 'mmmmmaaahhh!' and plant one right on the kisser! this means.....well we're actually not sure. it happens so rarely we haven't had many instances to study this behavior. but we're hopeful!

so there you have it, a basic rundown of how babylove shows his love. so when you hand him back over to us just consider all of your bumps, bruises, and broken items to be signs of love!

exittheapple presents "story" episode 4: grandma's house

exittheapple presents "story" - a pared-down film experience exploring the essence of story and storytelling. episode 4: grandma's house, is a story by your's truly! this was a tremendous experience and i'm so honored to have had the chance to tell my story.

watch and enjoy!



story
-noun 1. a narrative, either true or fictitious, in prose or verse, designed to interest, amuse, or instruct the hearer or reader; tale.

a hug from the universe

i love when i can actually look around at the tangible and intangible things in my life and see, fully see, the energy i put out coming back to me. the hopes, the love, the dreams- all reflected in my day-to-day life. even better is when it's a surprise!

right now, my life is pretty damn good. i have so much love in me and around me that i sometimes don't know where to put it all. i am in love and it's the first emotionally mutual relationship i've ever had. it's the first time in my life i've been with someone who was just as in love with me as i am with him, at a time when we were both available to each other. the same man i took to my high school prom, and i loved him just as much then. we have a healthy, beautiful, energetic, happy, loving son and we all adore each other. 

but the expanse of positive wealth in my surroundings has layered over into other aspects that i'm just truly understanding.

i realized when i got pregnant that my social life was going to change. i would have to limit the time i spent with lots of my friends, only because they are good people and there are some things good people don't like to do around pregnant women. even if it's play loud music or have a cigarette, some people are just protective of the mother-to-be and my friends are those people. i didn't want them to be uncomfortable so i didn't hang out much. and the same applies to a woman wearing a 6 month old strapped to her front. there are some things good people just don't like to do around kids. i totally get it.

but i was missing a community. i was feeling a bit isolated and it was an unfamiliar feeling to me. i've always spent a lot of time alone, it was often the side effect of being a black nerd. but this time i was in unchartered waters and it was unpleasant. kinda like 'castaway'; i felt like i was reinventing fire....only in my womb.

but then, in what was a remarkably quick show of understanding, all of the members of my new community surfaced and gave me a little hug, even if we never saw each other. i got messages and emails from couples and mothers and soon-to-be mothers and lots more happy, nappy, natural people and it was all love and peace. it was sharing and laughing and offers of help and i was always touched and reassured. i was given a circle where i could laugh when i felt like crying, talk freely about disgustingly personal bodily functions and not have a single raised eyebrow, and just hang out and not feel like i was bringing the party down.

and i love my old friends, they are still my family and so close and dear to me and i see them whenever i can. i even take the baby sometimes (he's just too cute and people need to see him sometimes, he makes them happy!). and now i'm even more blessed with another family that i can call out to for advice, amusement, and nervous breakdown avoidance and they all have their own level of 'i've been there' experience. 

this is my big ol' hug to all of you! every one of my family and friends who knew to send me love when i needed it. who offered me help (even though i'm not very good at asking for help), who shared a story, who hung out with me at various levels of hormonal schizophrenia.

thank you, i love you, and i'm hugging you right now.

p.s. this big ol' bear hug goes out especially to kandi, tomeka, tori, the bennu tribe, mirlande and fam, stefanie, and meagan cuz you love our babies soooo much!

Growing, Knowing, and Showing

belly love

Originally uploaded by r.s.m.b. Sees
I am so pregnant. If you haven't read my blogs on MySpace, that statement might be a new bit of news for you. If you've seen me in the past month or so, it's definitely not. I look like I swallowed a honeydew melon whole, and I kinda feel like that too. I can get away with wearing my man's clothes... well, his shirts.... that are baggy and kinda hang loose on my bulbous belly, but then I just look fat and frumpy (no matter what he says). When I wear my maternity clothes (shit, y'all, I have maternity clothes!) I definitely look like I am so damn pregnant.

Some days it's totally cool, I kinda dig it actually. Especially when I'm walking the streets with the ol' man and he tells some long lost friend that 'we have a bun in the oven'. Then I really don't mind looking the part. The day we went for our most recent ultrasound and got to see the growing monkey in my tummy (the li'l monkey almost wouldn't stay still long enough to get a picture, already rebellious like mama and hyper like papa) I was proud to sport my big bulge. Now that I'm at the halfway point in the whole deal ('bout 5 months now) and I'm just starting to tell the difference between baby movements and gas, and a lady told me the other day she couldn't tell I was pregnant, I just looked like she did after a big meal, I'm getting used to the fact that I got a lot more bulging to do so I'm trying to adjust quickly.

But then days like today when every part of my ever swelling body hurts, and I have muscle aches in places that even my rather flexible yoga skills don't touch, and I wake up with my first taste of Braxton Hicks contractions, toting this giant belly is just a pain in the ass! When I can't even bend over to pick up the pen I dropped, and I'm peeing twice an hour (that might be too much information, but you could have stopped reading a long time ago), and my sore boobs and cramping back have decided to be my painful enemies, and then I think, "I'm only halfway through this whole thing, I have soooo much more bulging to do!!!" I am so over this pregnancy deal.

That does not mean I don't already love and adore the little wonder that's currently residing in me, I really do. It's cool to know that I love someone I've never met, so I can't imagine how much I'll love the li'l monster upon arrival. If only the hyper devil would stop beating on my bladder like a bongo (no seriously, we saw this on the ultrasound-- papa to be found it very amusing). It's amazing how bipolar this seems to be making me.... more so than usual.

I am doing some things to make sure this li'l one knows mama from day one. I read out loud often, lots of poetry, Maya Angelou, Nikki Giovanni, and some Stephen King (hey, I like it and I don't want a skittish, squeemish kid) for starters. I put my mini-speakers on my tummy and play good music; Donny Hathaway, Stevie Wonder, Fertile Ground, and Raul Midon are some of the folks on the current playlists. Yoga will hopefully keep me from being too miserable and make a little yogi to boot. I have to admit, I do wish papa would participate a bit more- maybe talk to the li'l one or read a story or two to my growing belly to help create a bond (with both of us during this process), but he's being excellent in all other aspects. His focus is taking care of me and making sure my needs are met, so I'm sincerely appreciative, truly.

Other than that, all I got to say is that I am so PREGNANT!

Bad Moods and Mad Shade

Misery does not always need company.  

and because you know the deepest me

To that one who knows me, all of me, more than anyone else ever has or will.

Lately

This particular poem I wrote while I was really in love with someone and I wasn't sure how mutual the feeling was. Everyday that I spent with that person I was thinking of how I could reach out to them in some profound way and not just make them realize my love, but how much they really loved me.

Be Careful What You Wish For

This is a story about my ex-girlfriend and I, and how what she thought she wanted turned into what she got, and how unprepared both of us were for it.

Snaps and Breaks

We all have our faults and our nasty little character traits that life teaches us are either endearing little quirks or horrible personality flaws. While I am sure I have some cute quirks that have come to endear me to others, I also have one horrible personality flaw.

kiss...

it's in his kiss...

Celibacy and the Bitter Barrier

Some people should not be celibate for too long. Yea you heard me! Has anyone else realized that some people really just shouldn't be celibate too long? Now hear my words: Some people and too long. I don't mean everybody all the time, so simmer down and don't get ya self righteous panties in a bunch before you hear what I'm saying.

Carnal Conclusion; My Sexuality Self-Help Session in Cyberspace

At thirty, I thought I would know everything that I should know about my sex and sexuality. I don't mean, I would know every way to please and pleasure a man or a woman, or hell, even myself. But I thought I would have discovered everything about my emotional sexual composition. Who I am as a relatively confident, rather attractive bisexual being. However at thirty, for a little while, I found myself mentally deadlocked, stuck and confused.

how would i know

This poem is for the long lost, but never forgotten friend. That friend that might be far away in distance but never far from my heart.

The Second Time I Lost My Virginity

Better than the first time? Can a second time actually be so much better than the first time, that is just kind of knocks the first time out of the running, sort of by default? Oh, I do believe so.....

Rediscovered

The birth of new love in a new relationship! Two people realizing that they've been through similar traumas in life and dramas in love and though it may have taken a while, they found each other, and now they are starting to find themselves.