everytime

The unspoken yearning to create that one masterpiece! While this is every artist's hope, it can also be the bain of their existence, a feeling that nags and feeds their anxiety, making every creation a nerve-wracking experience.

everytime i sit
everytime i spit
everytime i try to do this shit;
i tell myself
i sell myself
i swell up inside myself
as i dig and pull and prod and pry
and try and try and almost cry
as i aim and strive
this ain't no game, it's how try
to to stay alive.
i have to believe that this time i will find
nestled in a portion of my being
something i don't remember seeing
something revealing and redememing
that will illuminate me brighter
than i ever have been before -
something that will flow from my heart
to-hand-to-pen-to-ink,
and when it hits that fuckin' paper you almost think it stinks
cuz you crunch your face up and nod your head
everytime you read that shit, even years after i'm dead.

everytime, i aspire
everytime, i desire
everytime, i have that fire
in the hollow of my belly
to lay a prose
a verse
or a line
that i might,
touch on something
so sublime -
that on some slight or great plane
i might reach my people
teach my people
seek out just one of the
youngest of the
meekest of my people
and inspire -
give hope to reach ever higher.

everytime i sit
everytime i spit
everytime i try to do this shit;
i wonder, how can i know that this is that hit -
that will get me recognized,
get me noticed by the right eyes,
and does wanting this mean i've trivialized
what it means to be an artist in the first place.
because i want people to know my face
because i want the people to get a taste
and have the love and respect of my race.
i tell myself
i do not sell myself
as i swell inside of myself
as i dig and pull and prod and pry
and try and try and i do not cry
as i aim and strive
this ain't no game, it's how i stay alive.
by believing, knowing, understanding, comprehending,
and validating and verifying within -
and with every swift and mighty stroke of my pen.

and at my most calm,
at my most still,
at my most chill,
at my highest will,
at my highest tranquility,
at my highest stability -
everytime i sit
everytime i spit
every goddamn time i try to do this shit;
i know everytime, i will see my skill
everytime, i will be my skill
everytime, i will embrace the thrill
that comes from the chilling chill of the
smooth and decadent serenity, of just knowing...

that everytime i sit -
that everytime i spit -
everytime - I DO MY SHIT.