insomnia

the gas face

i'm an insomniac. it's one of a few sleep issues i've always had and probably the only one that really bothers me. not being able to sleep is nasty business and not for the weak of mind or short of temper. granted, after a week or two of insomnia anyone's bound to be weak of mind and short of temper, but at least if you don't start out that way it might take you longer to notice.

for example, i talk to myself. a lot. it's bad. but since having my boy it's gotten worse because i've always talked to him. in the womb, as a newborn, always. even now we have full conversations and he's only 2 1/2. but i think that wearing him in a front carrier and doing things like asking him during walks 'honey do you think we should go left or right? right? well then right it is!' has soaked into my nature and now i can't stop. i actually catch myself having these same conversations to no one but myself. out loud and with feeling. 'what am i gonna eat? does a sandwich sound good? well then a sandwich it is!!'

at one point i thought i'd toned it down but eventually i realized i was just talking in more of a whisper, which only proved to make me look crazier.

but after a week or so of no good sleep i'm even talking to myself with my son sitting right there. i have full fledged conversations and i don't even notice it....right up until i see that look of baffled amusement on my son's face. he never asks me who i'm talking to- he's 2, imaginary conversations are his life. he just stares at me with his curious eyes and crooked grin and i'm pulled out of whatever conversation i'm having with me.

the temper is another story.

i have a fairly long but oddly explosive temper. i've always been able to disregard a lot of crap before i get really mad, a trait that serves a chic like me. it helps me look for the humor, balance, or benefit first in whatever situation or outcome. it takes a lot to piss me off. but when it happens i have very little control over the hulkian green rage that washes over me.

i've gotten into lots of trouble because of this.

my son is a spirited boy. spirited as in a very sweet way of saying he has the energy of a hummingbird, the strength of a bull and the brains of a really friggin smart kid. and he's 2. and most days i keep another spirited boy. another 2 yr. old spirited boy. it's......fun.

my temper has become a razor's edge with me stuffing an elmo toy down a kid's throat on one side and me chaining a child to the backyard fence on the other.

so, insomniac mom has had enough. tonight i try a valerian/hot milk combo with a benadryl chaser and maybe the wall street journal on audible. i'll be sleep before they finish reading the title.