walking a tightrope

days like today I wonder if I'll ever find a true balance in motherhood, my relationship and work. as I write this I'm thoroughly exhausted, grappling with a migraine, wanting to snuggle up with my man but listening to our son tossing and turning trying to fall asleep and it's 11:30pm. yet I feel like I didn't accomplish 90% of what I needed to do today.

I have no idea how to do this! I have friends with more than one kid and they have careers and run businesses and have beautiful loving relationships and seemingly seamless lives. I know there's no such thing as a seamless life but mine often feels like a patchwork quilt of frustration, exhaustion, foolishness and nonsense. how do successful moms balance all these things!?!

in the midst of it all I can acknowledge the great things in my life. I have a truly awesome kid, a loving fantastic hubby, a marvelous family and family of friends, my health (and a healthy hubby and kid) and we're dead ass broke but at least we're not living in our car or *gulp* with either of our parents.

but in the midst of it all I have a very sensitive son who told me the other day he wanted daddy because I work too much, a hubby who I know I neglect too often, and 'work' that I can barely generate an income from.

I know there is a balance that will allow all the main aspects of my life to stay on an even keel with the occasional tilts to one side or the other but not so much that I plummet. it's there, somewhere, lurking in the darkness and if I'm patient and remember that my relationship is only 4 years old, my son is only 3 years old and stop being so hard on myself things will level out.

but in the meantime i'll keep looking forward, never looking down, and hold tight to that pole that is my strength and sanity and be grateful that if nothing else I'm rarely bored and most folks tend to like the show!