Hmph- This li'l fucker is making me bitter.
She's all cute and furry now, curled up and snuggly like she's just a four-legged angel. Sleepin' real damn good too. I don't get to sleep this good, since apparently she has decided she's a night dweller and that I'm her big ass two legged play-thing.
Don't get me wrong, I usually don't mind being the plaything for some young pussy all night long. Hell, I live for that shit. But this butch bitch is into S&M and I don't get to play and I'm not enjoying this at all.
Let's take last night for example. First she waits until I'm just falling asleep to come crying.
Meow, meow.
I'm asleep. I don't blink. If she sees my eyes or catches me moving the hunt is on and it's playtime. DAMMIT!! Sam rolls over and that's all it takes!!
The li'l fucker jumps up on the bed, takes one of my locs in her teeth and apparently tries to run with it. I grab her (pulling my own damn hair in the process) and toss her out of the bed and I SWEAR there is a trampoline down there somewhere that I'm not seeing because the bastard POPS back at me, 4 wicked sets of claws fully extended and I catch her in mid-air!! I grab the water spray bottle that I keep by the bed for such occasions and the sight of it makes her simultaneously, fiercely shriek, swat, contort and leap from my grasp, a white flash bolting from sight.
I lie down, nod off to the unbroken sound of Sam's snoring and I start to fall back into a semi-sleep when I start to feel oddly like I'm being watched.
Don't open my eyes, don't open my eyes, don't open my eyes.......
Wet sandpaper rubs my nose. She's licking me.
Don't open my eyes, don't open my eyes, don't open my eyes.......
Wet sandpaper rubs my cheek. A furry ear goes up my nose. Aw, shit! I sneeze. She jumps back, then forward and grabs another loc, but this time she takes off as soon as I make to sit up. I am not amused. I spot the li'l fucker running out of the bedroom so I close the door behind her. Big mistake.
Less than 5 minutes later, the silence is broken by pitiful "why hath thou abandoned me" crying and clawing on the other side of the door. No, I am not that easy, you little Siamese attention whore. I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks, crying will fade into the soundtrack of my dreams in about 10 minutes.
Click, click, click...THWOMP!!
Click, click, click...THWOMP!!
Sickening, disturbing, and horrifying. I have the Forrest Gump of kittens. She was actually taking running starts and hurling her furry body up against the door. As much as I want to see how long it would take before she gives herself a li'l kitty koncussion (for posterity, people...c'mon), I reach over and open the door.
Unfortunately she's mid-hurl at the time so she just kinda flies into the room lookin' like a flying squirrel. She must have scared the shit outta herself because she immediately turns around and high-tails it out of the room. I go back to bed again. Sam has yet to stop snoring.
This time I actually manage to fall into some damn good REMing ass sleep. Great colorful dreams are working their magic on me when something in the waking world pulls me from my nocturnal reprieve. GGGRRRRRR!!!! I'm not even sure what is waking me up, a sound, a feeling, a movement......?
My eyes pop open. I automatically know that damn cat has done something. I lie still.....I don't hear or feel her in or near the bed. I carefully open my eyes..... no bad ass cat to be seen. Maybe I'm safe, but I don't trust it. Dammit, maybe it's the paranoia but now I have to pee. On my way down the hall, I almost think I see the slightest flash of white flying out of the kitchen.
Hhhmmmm...... something tells me.......
I walk into the kitchen, turn on the light, and instantly wish I'd gone to pee first 'cuz I think I pee'd my panties a little.
I thought I'd been transported into the movie "The Sixth Sense"; in the kitchen every single cabinet door was sitting wide open. It was just fuckin' creepy. The li'l demon must have wanted a midnight snack or some shit and just couldn't decide what to have.
From deep in the darkness of the living room two glowing orbs peered at me.
When the hell did going to sleep become like jungle war games? She's about to be somebody's Kung Pao chicken special if I don't get some damn sleep!!
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