Imperfect Thoughts - Pencilling Myself In

I keep making plans with myself; plans to exercise daily, plans to write daily, plans to paint my finger and toe nails, plans to sit on the patio and watch the sunrise while sipping coffee and listening to my favorite songs, plans to become a morning person in general.

I suck at keeping all of these plans.

Isn't the first step admitting the problem? I have a big problem with personal accountability. In an office or other work environment I'm great, I will have your office running like water off a duck's back. I will beat your deadlines and you will be thrilled with my results. I'm great at doing this for other people but I have never been able to do this for myself. Not well enough to progress at certain things the way I know I'm capable of. Not nearly as well as I do it for others.

Why!?!

I'm thinking about this a lot right now as I contemplate the true value of returning to school to finish my degree. To what end. What will it contribute or take away from my life? What--? Just what!

I was taught to follow rules, get a degree, get a good job to move forward and all that jazz but I don't want a job, I want to create my own life and prosper and teach my son to do that. I want what my dad did by building his empire. I don't want an empire but I have a voice and I want to use it. I want to write my story in the way that suits me. I have a story and a life that has so much purpose and I see it and I want to share that and I know it's my bliss so it will be how I prosper with my family, in whatever shape that takes for us.

I want to teach Kendi the lesson of building his own life and creating his own dreams and fulfilling them and my degree would have been that for me 10 years ago but now I would rather put that sort of hard work and dedication into the dream that I've had since childhood.

So I will. That's it. That's my motivation. No more tentative plans with myself because I'm the most permanent thing in my life. I need to be my most important obligation. Shit. Ok, let me do this.

a short note to the perpetually grumpy

hey you, grumpy person!! yea you! here's some advice:

1. be happy things are getting done instead of being angry they aren't done 'your way'.

2. treat other people's feelings, ideas, time and property the way you want yours treated.

3. stop asking for more than you're willing to give.

4. spend twice as much time talking about what you LOVE and HALF the time talking about what you hate.

5. spend more time SHOWING gratitude for the life you have instead of showing resentment for the things you don't have.

and SMILE!!!!! :D

there, feel better!?

NaBloPoMo - Blogging for Blogging's Sake

right now lots of fantastic things are popping up that are making me refocus my attention on writing and that's a very good thing. i need to reintegrate 'myself' into my life, being a stay-at-home-mom i realize that 'mom' and 'home' tend to be the predominate traits in my life. but writing has always been my release and a part of my life so i welcome the chance to allow it a comeback (now of course the lyrics 'don't call it a comeback, i've been here for years!' are running thru my head).

anyway, one of the things that i'm using to focus myself and keep my fingers and mind flowing is NaBloPoMo!

many of you know of NaNoWriMo or National Novel Writing Month which encourages and guides budding novel writers in writing a novel of 50,000 words in 30 days. it's a huge endeavor but can be very fun and stimulating. well NaBloPoMo is an initiative of Blogher.com to encourage and guide bloggers in posting a blog everyday for 30 days. a theme is picked and daily writing prompts (monday thru friday, weekends are free writing days) help to keep the ideas and motivation flowing. i just happened to decide to jump in this month when the theme just happens to be 'blogging for blogging's sake'!

this month is perfect for me since while i usually do have underlying intentions for the posts i write, most of the time i'm just writing to get all the voices and ideas out of my head. especially now when 90% of my in-person conversations are with a 3 year old who might be very smart but i don't think he truly appreciates my discussions on current affairs or social networking.

so, although i'm a few days late i'm going with the 'better late than never' policy and jumping in with both feet! feel free to read along or to start your own NaBloPoMo journey or check out the other awesome bloggers churning out posts everyday for NaBloPoMo. happy blogging!!

contradictions

a random thought just occurred to me about one of the most basic contradictions we teach our kids everyday.

we always tell them to ask questions, be curious, investigate and explore. but then as soon as they start asking the questions we feel uncomfortable asking we tell them 'curiosity killed the cat'.

i hate that phrase. it's more morbid and creepy than the whole 'rock-a-bye baby' business. i hate it more because most don't use the longer phrase (since it would contradict their desire to shut the questions up) that 'curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back.'

but i really hate it because it goes against everything that you say when attempting to raise a child that wants to learn. it's basically a fancier way of saying 'sit down and shut up' or more pointedly 'mind your business.'

i know there are going to be uncomfortable questions for me in the years to come and i'm really hoping i'll maintain the patience to not fall back on the cliche of offing inquisitive felines.

today's tiny soapbox

law of attraction + mercury in retrograde = way too many people attracting way too much negativity in the name of the cosmos. the 'retrograde' typically has little to no effect on my day-to-day life, i never even give it a second thought, until people start inundating me with it with every problem. very often they point out problems that i wouldn't even notice as a way of saying 'see, look what else went wrong because of the retrograde!' then i start it too, noticing and picking at every little problem which makes the real problems seem that much worse. then that negativity attracts more negativity and chaos.

ok, so mercury is in retrograde. fantastic. happens a lot and no amount of moaning, groaning or griping will make it not happen, go away or change that it's gonna happen again in a few months. so does that mean that we all live our lives as usual until we hear 'retrograde' then we sit around and pick apart our lives, stop making decisions, and live in fear of the next disaster. i can't do it. thoughts become things and i don't need those particular thoughts or things.

i appreciate the good intention of 'it's not your fault, it's the retrograde' and i know that many people do feel that way. but i'd rather be inundated with 'embrace joy & abundance' and 'remember your attitude of gratitude' and attract that.

have a beautiful sunday, lovelies.

*humbly steps down from my soapbox*

making me feel better

babyluv's had a little cough for a few days and because of the weather (the ice more than the snow, we live in a very hilly area and icy patches SUCK) we've been couped up in here together for days. so last night an itchy cough made itself known in my throat and this morning I woke up with no voice. eh, no problem, I can manage a cough and I can even manage the kid since he has a rapidly growing ASL (American Sign Language) vocabulary.

I told babyluv that my throat hurt and I couldn't talk so I was going to use a lot of signs today and we went over a handful of basics. he did great and seemed perfectly content but in my guilt ridden head I could hear his deep, little voice 'geez mama, I already don't feel good and now you spring a sign language pop quiz on me!! can I get a break!?!'

don't look at me like that, I know he's only 2 but he says a lot with his eyes. really!! and he's almost 3. oh whaddyouknow! *rolling my eyes and pouting*

well, just now he came over to me, handed me a fistful of the remains of his mostly devoured jelly sandwich, smiled up at me with his proud, jelly-smeared face and said 'here, that'll make you feel better!' then immediately erupted in body shaking coughs.

have I mentioned today how much I love this kid?

relatively happy new year

taken about 12:05 am. new year's 2011, five minutes after babyluv realized the combination of staying up til midnight then having a room full of adults countdown to an ear-splitting scream and trumpet of noise-makers can wreak havoc on a two year old's fragile nerves.

see you in the new year

i will be joyfully starting this new year with happiness in my heart, love in my home, peace in my soul and wonder in my mind, so i'm starting the new year perfectly. to all i send my personal mantra: LIVE IMMENSELY, LOVE INTENSELY!! give me a hug when you see me in 2011!! <3 <3

how to discipline a 2 year old

gee, you know i probably shouldn't have stated that as if i have a clue as to how to discipline my 2 year old. i totally don't. and my kid has tantrums.

big ones.

that photo was taken over one year and 20 or so pounds ago (20lbs lighter for me and heavier for him). that photo was taken when he was just strong enough to accidentally headbutt me during a tantrum and give me a black eye. yes, this happened.

fast forward to now. he's 2 1/2 and 40+lbs of super strong boy who insists on my constant undivided attention and the need to do whatever he wants when he wants. he's a toddler, this is what they do.

he's also annoyingly smart sometimes and believes that the ability to clearly state and repeat his case means he's gonna win the debate. for example this afternoon's naptime debate:

me: ok, after this show we're going upstairs. *a few minutes later the show ends* time to go upstairs!

babyluv: no, we go upstairs after the next show.

me: nope, i said when the show went off we were going upstairs.

babyluv: but i have to watch one more. *in his absolute moral imperative pleading voice*

me: no honey, upstairs now.

then i get his thoughtful face:

babyluv: hhmmmm, how about.... one more show and then i can go upstairs?

me: how about we go upstairs.

then he resorts to extreme polite cuteness.

babyluv: please, oh please, mama! pretty please with sugar on time!!! (how he says 'sugar on top' and it's way too cute to correct.)

of course i still have to say no and here's where things can get very dicey. if he's in a cooperative mood, or at least a fair one, he may grumble or whine but he'll do as he's asked with little drama.

but let the wrong mood hit him, and my darling's mood can go from sweet to sour in 0.6 seconds, and there's no telling what i'm in for. it could be he'll fun fall on the floor and thrash about. it could be his blood curdling 'NNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!' it could be he'll 'reach for the nearest object to hurl at the nearest wall and/or person.' or i could hit the trifecta and get all three.

when he and i are home alone together none of these really phases me anymore and they pass quickly. and by quickly i mean.....less than half an hour. but he's smart. he knows it's all about the timing.

he completely understands that jumping up and down on the bed and screaming because he doesn't want to go to sleep gets him ignored unless the other little boy that i keep days is also trying to go to sleep. then i can only ignore him for so long and if he decides to pull the 'pull his friend's arm.' bit or the 'throw toys and run from one room to the other.' number i have to pay some sort of attention to him or the other little boy never gets to sleep.

but what kind of attention do i give him?

truthfully, it depends on both of our levels of sanity at the time. sometimes just asking him if he's being a bad boy will make him straighten out. he doesn't like being considered a bad boy. i've actually even done the imaginary call to daddy:

'hello daddy, he's being a bad boy, you might not be able to take him to the playground.'

there have been numerous times i took the other little boy into our bedroom to lie down and left my angry son alone in his own room, but i'm not big on the 'cry it out' method so after maybe 3-4 minutes we return to a somewhat discouraged boy.

but there have been times when after an hour of bargains, threats of taking away things, telling him he's not being a good boy, even reverting to semi-swaddling by laying him down in his bed on his side, curling his arms up, putting him under a blanket and gently holding him in place while i rock him, nothing works. nothing.

sometimes nothing works and both of their naps are thrown off by an hour until he just gets his emotions out and i have to just accept that and roll with it. really, what else can i do?

at the end of the day, especially on days when i have to try every method above to get him to eat, sleep, share, play nice, walk up or down the steps, everything that he decides that day he simply can't do, i have to truly assess my mothering skills.

1. is he still alive. check.

2. did i manage to not slap the taste outta his mouth or otherwise put a hand on my child. check.

3. today did we give each other a generous amount of hugs and kisses and tell each other we love each other. check.

4. is he happy, healthy and as emotionally stable as a toddler can be. check.

5. am i proud of him. check.

6. did i make it thru today. check.

then all right. i've been a  good mom for another day.

aaah thanksgiving

aaah thanksgiving! the holiday that reminds us that it's perfectly ok to flee the persecutions and suffering of your homeland to the safety of america, pillage the native lands and people, then proceed to subject them and every other person who flees the persecutions and suffering of their homeland to the safety of america to countless persecutions and sufferings in the name of america, if you're really, really pale.

gobble, gobble.

but i do love 'a charlie brown thanksgiving' so click on the pic and enjoy!!

he loves, we hate

my son will be 2 years old in a month. i know i'm in store for big fun potty training, grand scale temper tantrums, lots of new vocabulary, and budding personality traits, but have no mistake this boy is definitely his own person. he is a very verbal and articulate little man and has no problem telling me and anyone else what he wants, doesn't want, likes and dislikes.

and therein lies my dilemma as a mom.

when my li'l one decided to boycott eating all things red, i patiently complied. i knew it was a phase that would last as long as a 1 year old's attention span can last and of course it did pass (granted, he then decided to boycott eating the color orange, but my patience still prevails). my sweet boy is now adamantly protesting wearing any shirts with tags in the collar. i rather agree with this protest, itchy tags in baby clothes are just mean! but what happens when he absolutely LOVES something that i, or his father, hates?

at the moment, there's a particular cartoon that our boy absolutely loves, i mean he loves it. when he woke up this morning it was the first thing he asked for and at night it's the last thing he wants to see. i know it's just another one in what's bound to be an ongoing series of phases and i think it's rather funny. daddy however is not so amused. as much as our boy loves this cartoon, that's how much his father hates it. i mean he really hates it.


i don't let our son watch anything that i haven't watched first and nothing that doesn't benefit him in some way. anything he watches has to teach him something good, so it's not that this particular cartoon is harmful in anyway. his father just thinks it's a lame cartoon. that's the problem. the cartoon is not objectionable just unlikeable. so do we inflict our likes, our personal preferences on our son and not let him watch this cartoon or allow his personal preferences to bloom as they naturally will?

i've always loathed when parents say things like "my child will only eat chicken nuggets" or "my 5 year old loves the song 'birthday sex'" because as far as i'm concerned it means the child is the parent and the parent has allowed that child to run over them. a child has no job and can't buy themselves chicken nuggets or a cd so that parent has to provide these things. thus their statement should be "i only buy my child chicken nuggets" or "i let my child listen to 'birthday sex'". to me, these parents have a problem with accountability and a bigger problem with their parenting skills because in essence they're blaming their children for actions that it's the parents responsibility to control.

these parents also have the problem of wanting to be their child's 'friend' instead of the 'parent'. i thoroughly understand not wanting to deny your child something they really want, i know how tough it can be when a sad-faced, miserable kid begs and pleads for something i just don't want him to have or i know he shouldn't have. it goes from annoying to heartbreaking rapidly, but i'm his mother not his friend. my biggest role as his mother is to protect him and i can't do that if i'm too busy trying to be his friend. but in an effort to protect him the converse is also true.

as far as i'm concerned, just because i dislike something doesn't mean i have the right to keep it from him if it's something that does him no actual harm and especially if it's something that helps him. thinking back to my childhood and adolescence my parents were pretty good about living this concept. they created a learning environment in our home so that the things that were in my life as a child were all beneficial to my growing brain until i was able to earn my own money and indulge in my own preferences. i know they were not fans of the very loud heavy metal and even louder clothes and makeup, but their objections were few. their method was to expose me to as much as possible so that i had a wide berth of knowledge to learn from and develop. the end result is a 35 year old woman who can still rock hard with the best of 'em, or mellow out to some nina simone or sam cooke.

i will protect my son to the best of my ability everyday of his life. that means he will never have a chicken nugget that i don't cook myself or listen to any song with a title like 'birthday sex' until he's able to buy these things with his own hard earned cash, even if that doesn't happen until he's 18.

that also means i won't be forcing my likes or dislikes on him because then i'm not allowing him to be his own person, and frankly i'm very curious as to who that person is going to be and i can't wait to meet him!

turn off the light

I have a full head tonight. thoughts running and racing, bouncing off of each other, makes it hard to write anything truly coherent.

so instead I'll leave you with someone else's words, a poet I grew up loving and I'm so happy to share with my son now. good night beautiful people, now turn off the light.

-----

"When You Turn Off The Light"

Small as a peanut,
Big as a giant,
We're all the same size
When we turn off the light.
Rich as a sultan,
Poor as a mite,
We're all worth the same
When we turn off the light.

Red, black or orange
Yellow or white,
We all look the same
When we turn off the light.

So maybe the way
To make everything right
Is for God to just reach out
And turn off the light!

-- Shel Silverstein

first valentine

so I have to tell you about my first real valentine's day, the first valentine's I spent with mar, the father of my child and man I'm going to marry.

this particular valentine's shouldn't have even happened. I was 15, he was 16. we had only been together for about four months when valentine's day rolled around, but I was already well aware of his general anti-holiday stance. valentine's was worse than most since he felt he did a pretty good job of showing me his love everyday. he was right, he did. but I was 15 and I had a boyfriend and it was valentine's day! I was willing to not get anything because of the principle, but i couldn't stop pouting.

it was evening. I was home in my room, laying on the bed reading and hiding, trying to suck in my lip. the doorbell rang but I figured it was for one of my brothers, went back to reading. I didn't even hear him come up the stairs or down the long hallway to my room, he was just suddenly in my bedroom door.

he dropped to his knees by the bed and handed me a flower box. 'so uh, yeah, I was told to deliver this here box.' I opened it and it was full of the prettiest, sweetest daisies! I would have been so disappointed in roses, way too cliche for us. then I looked closer.

some of the flowers were attached to each other. I picked one up and a string of them came along. he'd taken a bunch and fashioned them into a necklace! he slipped it around my neck then he picked up a small daisy from the box and slipped it around my finger, he'd made it into a perfect little ring.

it was my first real valentine's day and it was beautiful and I spent it with the man that I'll spend the rest of my valentine's days with.

happy valentine's day. I love you, baby.

babylove's love

this is a notice to everyone who will spend time with our baby boy alone, the people who love him and want to bond with him. he's a really good kid, honest! he doesn't mean to break your furniture and pull apart your electronic devices. he's just curious and very enthusiastic.

we want you to know that he probably likes you, he's very friendly, but he does have some unusual ways of showing affection, coupled with his....enthusiasm, it's easy to confuse his affection for minor acts of terrorism. this is a basic guide to understanding babylove's expressions of affection.



1. if he stares at you blankly for extended periods he probably likes you, or at least he's interested in learning what you're bringing to the table. captivate him with exagerated funny faces & sound effects and you've made a friend.

2. if he shrieks and runs away from you, he likes you. he just gets so excited in your presence he simply must flee. this is how he responds everytime he sees his father!

3. if he throws things at you he does like you. especially if he aims for your head. he's just sharing.

4. if he asks you to pick him up, then immediately put him down, then pick him up again, then repeat, he really likes you. he thinks you're worthy of being his plaything.

5. if he runs at you then pummels you about the head, neck, and chest with his strong little fists he thinks you're great! you're so great he can't believe you're real unless he pounds on you repeatedly!

6. if he's sitting on your lap and suddenly tries to agressively climb, you he loves you! he loves you so much he has to get closer to you, climb inside of you even.

7. on the rarest of occassions he will actually take your face in both of his little hands, says 'mmmmmaaahhh!' and plant one right on the kisser! this means.....well we're actually not sure. it happens so rarely we haven't had many instances to study this behavior. but we're hopeful!

so there you have it, a basic rundown of how babylove shows his love. so when you hand him back over to us just consider all of your bumps, bruises, and broken items to be signs of love!

exittheapple presents "story" episode 4: grandma's house

exittheapple presents "story" - a pared-down film experience exploring the essence of story and storytelling. episode 4: grandma's house, is a story by your's truly! this was a tremendous experience and i'm so honored to have had the chance to tell my story.

watch and enjoy!



story
-noun 1. a narrative, either true or fictitious, in prose or verse, designed to interest, amuse, or instruct the hearer or reader; tale.

perspective

your mindset shapes your life. it shapes how you see the world, it colors your opinions of situations and people, it determines whether you have good or bad experiences.

i was just reminded of a very short story that had a very big impact on me. in the 1920's a bunch of fellow writers challenged ernest hemingway to write an entire story in just six words. six words, and hemingway felt it was his best work. six words:

For Sale: baby shoes. Never worn.

i read that in high school, freshman year. i thought it was one of the saddest things i'd ever seen. it was so pointed, it felt like it had to be just six words because it was too tragic a story to relay anymore than six words. i thought it was a story of loss and suffering.

about a year ago i was asked if i'd ever heard the hemingway six-word story, to which i replied, "i've heard it but i don't remember the words. i do remember it's something ridiculously sad."

i googled and found:

For Sale: baby shoes. Never worn.

this time i was struck at how sweet and joyous the story was! this time it was a story of growth and surprises. it was funny and cute and i read it over and over, smiling the whole time. i wanted to remember it.

perspective.

the first time i read the story, i read it with the mind and experiences of a cynical teenager. i was rebellious and often jaded, i didn't see that the world had a lot to offer and most of what it did give was sorrow life was about loss so the story was about loss.

when i read it again as an adult, i read it with the mind of a woman content with herself and her world. i read it as a woman in love, a happy new mom, a confident woman. i read it as the mother of a healthy baby boy that just outgrew three pairs of shoes before he ever had a chance to wear them. this time, the story was beautifully triumphant.

perspective. everything i see is colored by my perspective, which means that living with a good perspective keeps my experiences wonderful and uplifting. i have wonderful experiences because i choose to see the wonder in my experiences.

it's all about your perspective.

I'm a Bad Motha-! - my kid's a jerk!

my kid's a jerk! yea, that's right, i said it; MY KID'S A JERK!

even more annoying is the fact that he's a very intentional jerk. i don't think he intentionally means to be a jerk, but he very intentionally does things that are extremely jerk-like.

po-tay-to, po-tah-to, whatever. he's a jerk.

i will say that his general jerkiness is making me into one of those crafty moms, so it has it's good side. for example, all babies love the drop-and-pickup game. it's a riot to them for whatever reason to take whatever object is in their hand and repeatedly drop/throw it then squeal heartbrokenly if you don't retrieve it for them.

of course when you do they just drop/throw it again. big fun.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="153" caption="our little lion at his true angry best"][/caption]my kid takes drop-and-pickup to another level. he'll squeal, screech, and flail about until he has a good sized collection of toys and trinkets within arms reach, then he'll hurl them one by one to the nether regions of the room, then squeal, screech, flail about or contort/struggle/writhe and attempt personal injury until he gets them back...individually. don't try to pick them all up at once and hand them to him in a bunch. not unless you want him to smack them onto the floor, or even more fun, throw them at YOU individually. and for a 1 yr. old his aim in uncanny.

after having to leave the room a few times and count to ten while taking deep cleansing breaths, i had to realize that he's only doing it because his way means he gets my attention for longer. even if i ignore the game for a little while, he'll bang his head on things, throw himself backwards, try to twist out of whatever he's strapped into almost to the point of giving himself rope burn; he'll force me to pay attention to him for as long as he deems necessary.

he's a jerk, but he's very intelligent. he's wiley. so am i.

i've now found ways to strap everything to him or to whatever contraption he's strapped into. it's particularly awesome when he's in his stroller and done playing with whatever bottle, cup, or toy that was occupying him and has to hurl it with all his might to show his completion; kind-hearted people damn near dive like their going for home base to catch the poor baby's object before it touches the nasty ground only to feel foolish when the object boings and lands back in his lap thanks to whatever cord or device i used.

somehow, he also senses when i'm trying to keep him on a schedule to that i can get some kind of work done. again, he knows that a scheduled day means less face-time for baby and this is not an option.

these are the days when the baby adrenaline kicks in.

he won't sleep. sleep is the enemy and the enemy must be defeated.

he will pull out every stop in his efforts to stave off the enemy. i've seen my child pull at his own hair, punch himself with toys (not the plush, squishy toys, the hard plastic ones), even bite his own toes so hard he left teeth marks just to stay awake.

and of course the more of this he does the more attention he requires because, you know, it hurts him. a lot.

so basically he won't sleep and he won't let me put him down for 5 mins. because he'll injure himself. or his new trick is to jam anything, including his own fist, so far down his throat that he pukes. then he does a happy dance in said puke and holds the offending, puke covered object out to me with a big, 6 toothed grin.

WHAT A JERK!!!

i mean if the person you lived with acted like this just for their own amusement you'd put their crap out on the street and change the locks! i'm probably not going to put my child out yet, but i don't care what you say, he really is a jerk.

begin

have you ever read "lady in the water" by m. night shyamalan? not the movie, even though contrary to popular preference i liked the movie too. i mean the book that the movie is based on. it's a children's book, he wrote it for his own kids.

it is classic shyamalan, there are twists and bizarre developments, and in the end you may not feel he answered all of your questions. i love it.

there is so much room for you (and your child) to elaborate on the story and turn it into something of your own. my little one is only 8 months old, so the imagination part is totally up to me right now, but i don't mind. it gives me time to hone my storytelling skills so that when he's 5 he doesn't already think i'm lame.

shyamalan knows he's building a foundation for the creative mind to build on, the last page doesn't read 'the end', it reads 'begin'.

it's new years, the first day of a new year. it's probably the one day when the masses are simultaneously thinking about change and growth and all things new. today we think about the year ahead and what can happen differently and there is so much room for twists and bizarre developments.

it's all new today. you might have the same job, schedule, car or whatever, but if your mindset is new, it's all new. start a new story of your life and make it elaborate, make it your own. today you're new.

begin.

enough

i believe we create our own existence. by what we hope for or don't hope for, by what we focus on or don't focus on, and by what we surround ourselves with or don't surround ourselves with.

if you choose a life that includes happiness, love, health and harmony and embrace all of that in your current life, you will always welcome more into your life. self-fulfilling prophecy.

if you choose a life that includes anger, loneliness, illness and discontent and embrace all of that in your current life, you will always welcome more into your life. self-fulfilling prophecy.

i've had enough.

no more conspiracy theories, no more random paranoia, no more higher and lower levels of evildoers waiting to do me harm. no more gossip and no more nastiness. no more.

i've had enough.

i choose what will be present in my life.

to be informed about the actualities that exist in this world is smart, to be inundated with the potential evils that could exist in any world is self-destructive.

tell me something good. tell me what you love. tell me what made you smile today. and i'll tell you the same. i'll tell you why i think you're cool. i'll tell you about something beautiful i saw. i'll tell you something sweet.

let's shine some light in each other's worlds instead of casting shadows. there can never be enough of that.

I'm a Bad Motha-! - Food for Thought

Breastfeeding. Breastfeeding. Think about that word for a sec - breastfeeding. Literally, feeding a person from a breast. My breast. If you've done this before it probably just seems rather innate after a while, and I'm sure after a while it will seem innate to me too, however right now I am painfully aware that several times a day I have to feed a person from my breast.

Now let me preface this by saying that yes, breastfeeding is a wonderful thing, the bonding time with my baby is very cool especially when he's staring up at my face like he's memorizing every freckle. It's so sweet... but there are some definite quirks to the situation.

It's a rather surreal event sometimes. I mean, we'll skim over the whole 'leaking' fun and not dwell on the uncontrollable flow of fluid from body parts that are now 5 sizes bigger than they were just one short year ago. It's just so weird that now the process for alleviating hunger for a member of the household now requires me to be topless at odd and often public times and places.



And you can look at me and plainly see that I am a rather buxom broad. My girls were pretty large and in charge before getting pregnant, then during pregnancy they began get a little more robust and dynamic (but they were almost eclipsed by the growing dome just inches below them), and now they are a new breed of wild beast. So I watch some women breastfeed and it looks like such a delicate and non-evasive process, but when I whip one of my massive ta-ta's out it is blatantly obvious that my boob is bigger than my infant's head. BIGGER THAN HIS HEAD! And my kid has a pretty big head. Luckily it doesn't have a funky shape or anything because it could definitely knock down his cute points. But still when my kid is latched on several times I've look down and thought, "That looks like the number 8."

Think about it.

The comparison is that for some fortunate lady with a C-cup, breastfeeding in public just looks like a woman cradling a baby to her bosom, the beautiful back of the baby's head obscuring any sign of mommy's skin. From almost any angle a halo of flesh is visible around my baby's head when he's sucking on me. Then, for an added bonus, my little boy likes to grab my shirt and lift it up and down, up and down, flashing any eager eyes that happen to be wandering our way.

And the biting.

Don't let anyone tell you that gums can't cause pain. Gums, gnawing little gums, gums connected to jaws that have no impulse control can freakin' hurt! Especially when those gums are gnawing on swollen and sore boobs, it really freakin' hurts. And I really want to do what's best for my boy and breastfeed him until he's at least 6 months, but I don't know - once his 1st tooth comes in we just might have to renegotiate this contract. I'd hate to accidentally punch the li'l guy in the top of his head for biting his dear mommy.

Like I said, breastfeeding can be endearing and quite cool and I'd do it all over again without hesitation.... well, without much hesitation.