Dear Asshole

Some people come with WAY too many disclaimers!! Too many rules that people need to abide by to be considered worthy of their company, and in return they get to behave in whatever obnoxious manner they see fit just because they constantly shout, "I'M AN ASSHOLE, THIS IS JUST WHO I AM AND YOU EITHER ACCEPT ME OR LEAVE ME ALONE!" Then of course they get uppity when folks sometimes just leave them alone. "THEY JUST COULDN'T HANDLE ME!" 

You're probably right. They couldn't. If you openly acknowledge that you're an asshole, you need to openly accept that you'll probably get treated like one. Yes, the world will accept that you are just an asshole, it's who you are and you simply just can't help it. But too many of you are under the delusion that 'acceptance' means 'tolerance'.

It does not!

For me, acceptance means I am willing to understand that this is just how the situation is going to be. You are an asshole, ok, I get it. Sigh. However I still have a choice! I can choose to keep the asshole in my life, knowing that the asshole will happily continue to be an asshole, or I can choose to leave the asshole alone, knowing that the asshole will happily continue to be an asshole. I tend to leave assholes alone. Just let 'em be.

But I'm a nice person. Some folks might decide to slap the asshole or cuss the asshole out or sleep with the asshole's spouse. The thing is, Asshole, your karma kinda sets you up for this and YOU need to accept that.

If you are determined to be an asshole, you should be determined to be treated like an asshole. Accept that.

Often the flip side is too damn much work! Even subtle assholes require a lot of work to maintain friendships with! Those folks with these vaguely spoken, but mostly unspoken, policies about what can or can't happen, can or can't be spoken, should or shouldn't be worn, laughed about, frowned upon, etc. in their presence!! 

You know the ones, when you leave them you feel like you're back in high school and just took your final exam and you're in the hall wondering, "Did I answer question 8 right? Maybe I shouldn't have written so much? Or maybe I should've written more!" You leave the asshole's presence thinking, "I wonder if they're mad at me for saying that? Why did she look at me like that? Was that a joke or were they serious?" IT'S EXHAUSTING!! And worse, it's not worth it! Why?

BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!! 

Would you think it was worth it to hang out with you, Asshole? I guess you probably would, or else you wouldn't be so much of an asshole and think it was ok. Not just ok, that it makes you somehow smarter, stronger or better than those around you who aren't assholes.

However, I personally think the price of admission to your world is too high; you're asking for too much patience, too much egg-shell walking, too much tolerance for your behavior while not returning that tolerance to those willing to accept it, and basically, as my dad would say, too much "shuckin' and jivin'". Like most luxury items, you might serve a purpose and be fun to have around, but in the end I really can't afford you and I'm probably better off without you.

Imperfect Thoughts - Pencilling Myself In

I keep making plans with myself; plans to exercise daily, plans to write daily, plans to paint my finger and toe nails, plans to sit on the patio and watch the sunrise while sipping coffee and listening to my favorite songs, plans to become a morning person in general.

I suck at keeping all of these plans.

Isn't the first step admitting the problem? I have a big problem with personal accountability. In an office or other work environment I'm great, I will have your office running like water off a duck's back. I will beat your deadlines and you will be thrilled with my results. I'm great at doing this for other people but I have never been able to do this for myself. Not well enough to progress at certain things the way I know I'm capable of. Not nearly as well as I do it for others.

Why!?!

I'm thinking about this a lot right now as I contemplate the true value of returning to school to finish my degree. To what end. What will it contribute or take away from my life? What--? Just what!

I was taught to follow rules, get a degree, get a good job to move forward and all that jazz but I don't want a job, I want to create my own life and prosper and teach my son to do that. I want what my dad did by building his empire. I don't want an empire but I have a voice and I want to use it. I want to write my story in the way that suits me. I have a story and a life that has so much purpose and I see it and I want to share that and I know it's my bliss so it will be how I prosper with my family, in whatever shape that takes for us.

I want to teach Kendi the lesson of building his own life and creating his own dreams and fulfilling them and my degree would have been that for me 10 years ago but now I would rather put that sort of hard work and dedication into the dream that I've had since childhood.

So I will. That's it. That's my motivation. No more tentative plans with myself because I'm the most permanent thing in my life. I need to be my most important obligation. Shit. Ok, let me do this.

Imperfect Thoughts

Today I'm giving myself permission to share my imperfect thoughts. My random, passing thoughts that I, way too often, allow to sit in the editing booth of my brain so long that the whole thought ends up on the cutting room floor before the thought ever has a chance to see the light of day. 

These thoughts could manifest into blog posts or advice or recipes or lesson plans or any number of things but my fear of sharing thoughts or ideas that haven't been fully researched, thought out, talked through (usually with my husband) and then properly edited on the big, bad, scary, permanent internet is stifling my ability to share.

But if I can acknowledge that even that first imperfect thought, that idea or question or motivation, is also part of the process of learning and evolving and being vulnerable and changing and being open to receiving new information then I can allow myself to share these imperfect thoughts just as they are, and whatever develops from them. 

^^Starting right there!^^ ;-)