I'm a Bad Motha-! - my kid's a jerk!

my kid's a jerk! yea, that's right, i said it; MY KID'S A JERK!

even more annoying is the fact that he's a very intentional jerk. i don't think he intentionally means to be a jerk, but he very intentionally does things that are extremely jerk-like.

po-tay-to, po-tah-to, whatever. he's a jerk.

i will say that his general jerkiness is making me into one of those crafty moms, so it has it's good side. for example, all babies love the drop-and-pickup game. it's a riot to them for whatever reason to take whatever object is in their hand and repeatedly drop/throw it then squeal heartbrokenly if you don't retrieve it for them.

of course when you do they just drop/throw it again. big fun.

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="153" caption="our little lion at his true angry best"][/caption]my kid takes drop-and-pickup to another level. he'll squeal, screech, and flail about until he has a good sized collection of toys and trinkets within arms reach, then he'll hurl them one by one to the nether regions of the room, then squeal, screech, flail about or contort/struggle/writhe and attempt personal injury until he gets them back...individually. don't try to pick them all up at once and hand them to him in a bunch. not unless you want him to smack them onto the floor, or even more fun, throw them at YOU individually. and for a 1 yr. old his aim in uncanny.

after having to leave the room a few times and count to ten while taking deep cleansing breaths, i had to realize that he's only doing it because his way means he gets my attention for longer. even if i ignore the game for a little while, he'll bang his head on things, throw himself backwards, try to twist out of whatever he's strapped into almost to the point of giving himself rope burn; he'll force me to pay attention to him for as long as he deems necessary.

he's a jerk, but he's very intelligent. he's wiley. so am i.

i've now found ways to strap everything to him or to whatever contraption he's strapped into. it's particularly awesome when he's in his stroller and done playing with whatever bottle, cup, or toy that was occupying him and has to hurl it with all his might to show his completion; kind-hearted people damn near dive like their going for home base to catch the poor baby's object before it touches the nasty ground only to feel foolish when the object boings and lands back in his lap thanks to whatever cord or device i used.

somehow, he also senses when i'm trying to keep him on a schedule to that i can get some kind of work done. again, he knows that a scheduled day means less face-time for baby and this is not an option.

these are the days when the baby adrenaline kicks in.

he won't sleep. sleep is the enemy and the enemy must be defeated.

he will pull out every stop in his efforts to stave off the enemy. i've seen my child pull at his own hair, punch himself with toys (not the plush, squishy toys, the hard plastic ones), even bite his own toes so hard he left teeth marks just to stay awake.

and of course the more of this he does the more attention he requires because, you know, it hurts him. a lot.

so basically he won't sleep and he won't let me put him down for 5 mins. because he'll injure himself. or his new trick is to jam anything, including his own fist, so far down his throat that he pukes. then he does a happy dance in said puke and holds the offending, puke covered object out to me with a big, 6 toothed grin.

WHAT A JERK!!!

i mean if the person you lived with acted like this just for their own amusement you'd put their crap out on the street and change the locks! i'm probably not going to put my child out yet, but i don't care what you say, he really is a jerk.

begin

have you ever read "lady in the water" by m. night shyamalan? not the movie, even though contrary to popular preference i liked the movie too. i mean the book that the movie is based on. it's a children's book, he wrote it for his own kids.

it is classic shyamalan, there are twists and bizarre developments, and in the end you may not feel he answered all of your questions. i love it.

there is so much room for you (and your child) to elaborate on the story and turn it into something of your own. my little one is only 8 months old, so the imagination part is totally up to me right now, but i don't mind. it gives me time to hone my storytelling skills so that when he's 5 he doesn't already think i'm lame.

shyamalan knows he's building a foundation for the creative mind to build on, the last page doesn't read 'the end', it reads 'begin'.

it's new years, the first day of a new year. it's probably the one day when the masses are simultaneously thinking about change and growth and all things new. today we think about the year ahead and what can happen differently and there is so much room for twists and bizarre developments.

it's all new today. you might have the same job, schedule, car or whatever, but if your mindset is new, it's all new. start a new story of your life and make it elaborate, make it your own. today you're new.

begin.

enough

i believe we create our own existence. by what we hope for or don't hope for, by what we focus on or don't focus on, and by what we surround ourselves with or don't surround ourselves with.

if you choose a life that includes happiness, love, health and harmony and embrace all of that in your current life, you will always welcome more into your life. self-fulfilling prophecy.

if you choose a life that includes anger, loneliness, illness and discontent and embrace all of that in your current life, you will always welcome more into your life. self-fulfilling prophecy.

i've had enough.

no more conspiracy theories, no more random paranoia, no more higher and lower levels of evildoers waiting to do me harm. no more gossip and no more nastiness. no more.

i've had enough.

i choose what will be present in my life.

to be informed about the actualities that exist in this world is smart, to be inundated with the potential evils that could exist in any world is self-destructive.

tell me something good. tell me what you love. tell me what made you smile today. and i'll tell you the same. i'll tell you why i think you're cool. i'll tell you about something beautiful i saw. i'll tell you something sweet.

let's shine some light in each other's worlds instead of casting shadows. there can never be enough of that.

I'm a Bad Motha-! - Sounds of Music

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="240" caption="do you hear what i hear?"][/caption]

Music is important. Music is a crucial part of life and growth. In all honesty I can't think of anyone that I like who doesn't listen to as much music as I do or more. It does't really matter what you listen to, it just matters that you listen. If you have the skill, make some music. Listen to the music for any time period and it will tell you much more about the events and people of the day than any history book. Music is important.

The first lullaby I can remeber came from the warm and loving voice of my dearest aunt bernadette. she would sing a song of empowerment called "Something Inside So Strong". I've been on school choirs since elementary school not because I'm a great singer, but because I love music and I can hold a tune. My mother loved old Mowtown and my dad loved old jazz, so there was an endless flow of both in my house growing up. My older sister dug R&B and my older brother was into Baltimore House and Hip Hop (back when it was still Rap). Even my little brother found his musical soul in current Hip Hop. I listened to all of it because it was all available for me to listen to.

However, from my tweens thru my teens, I was a rocker. I was a big fan of the 80's glam bands, plus some stuff that were a little heavier and some stuff that was a little lighter. I always had a radio (and eventually a boom box) in my room and I would let it play all night long. I would snooze deep with heavy metal playing in the background. I would only wake up on the few occasions one of my parents crept into my room to turn the music off. After a while they just let me be.

It became a need, I needed music to fall asleep or do anything productive while I was awake. Living on my own that was never a problem, I could blast tunes while studying, cleaning, writing and of course sleeping. Even when I had roommates, I could still play music to work or put me to sleep, just maybe play it quieter than I would ordinarily. But then serious relationships start, so I'm not just sharing an apartment with someone, I'm sharing a bedroom with someone. All of a sudden it occurs to me, what happens if this other person likes to sleep in silence? What if they can't read with music on or they have to turn it off to concentrate.

Sometimes that was the case, I had to get used to working or cleaning or such in silence, even though I never really liked it or felt I was as productive as I could have been. But I never got used to sleeping in silence. For a while I became a terribly light sleeper, every sound woke me up. Then a wonderful idea occurred to me; I can sleep with headphones on! Oh joy, everything is right in the world again!

Now, I'm in love with a music lover! He's a DJ and totally understands the need for a soundtrack to life. My baby is even a music lover, he likes for me to sing to him and dance with him, and sleeps better with music playing. I can't always have music playing when working around the house because I have to be able to hear the little one, but I think he sympathizes and so he makes his own music for me; beating his toys on his tray, singing and squealing at the top of his lungs and dancing and kicking his happy feet. His music is important too.

Like the sounds of history, the sounds of music in my life have changed drastically over my life, but it's always present and it's always reflective of the person I am that year, that week, that day. It's my soundtrack.

a hug from the universe

i love when i can actually look around at the tangible and intangible things in my life and see, fully see, the energy i put out coming back to me. the hopes, the love, the dreams- all reflected in my day-to-day life. even better is when it's a surprise!

right now, my life is pretty damn good. i have so much love in me and around me that i sometimes don't know where to put it all. i am in love and it's the first emotionally mutual relationship i've ever had. it's the first time in my life i've been with someone who was just as in love with me as i am with him, at a time when we were both available to each other. the same man i took to my high school prom, and i loved him just as much then. we have a healthy, beautiful, energetic, happy, loving son and we all adore each other. 

but the expanse of positive wealth in my surroundings has layered over into other aspects that i'm just truly understanding.

i realized when i got pregnant that my social life was going to change. i would have to limit the time i spent with lots of my friends, only because they are good people and there are some things good people don't like to do around pregnant women. even if it's play loud music or have a cigarette, some people are just protective of the mother-to-be and my friends are those people. i didn't want them to be uncomfortable so i didn't hang out much. and the same applies to a woman wearing a 6 month old strapped to her front. there are some things good people just don't like to do around kids. i totally get it.

but i was missing a community. i was feeling a bit isolated and it was an unfamiliar feeling to me. i've always spent a lot of time alone, it was often the side effect of being a black nerd. but this time i was in unchartered waters and it was unpleasant. kinda like 'castaway'; i felt like i was reinventing fire....only in my womb.

but then, in what was a remarkably quick show of understanding, all of the members of my new community surfaced and gave me a little hug, even if we never saw each other. i got messages and emails from couples and mothers and soon-to-be mothers and lots more happy, nappy, natural people and it was all love and peace. it was sharing and laughing and offers of help and i was always touched and reassured. i was given a circle where i could laugh when i felt like crying, talk freely about disgustingly personal bodily functions and not have a single raised eyebrow, and just hang out and not feel like i was bringing the party down.

and i love my old friends, they are still my family and so close and dear to me and i see them whenever i can. i even take the baby sometimes (he's just too cute and people need to see him sometimes, he makes them happy!). and now i'm even more blessed with another family that i can call out to for advice, amusement, and nervous breakdown avoidance and they all have their own level of 'i've been there' experience. 

this is my big ol' hug to all of you! every one of my family and friends who knew to send me love when i needed it. who offered me help (even though i'm not very good at asking for help), who shared a story, who hung out with me at various levels of hormonal schizophrenia.

thank you, i love you, and i'm hugging you right now.

p.s. this big ol' bear hug goes out especially to kandi, tomeka, tori, the bennu tribe, mirlande and fam, stefanie, and meagan cuz you love our babies soooo much!