Safe

When I was pregnant with Aman I had a dream that I was sitting on top of a high, green hill and somewhere nearby, surrounding me, there were three beings. These beings felt loving and strong and I knew they were there to keep me safe. There wasn't anything going on in the dream, just me sitting there in a blowing breeze, but it was vivid and I really loved the way it felt.

The next day I was telling Kendi about the dream and I said that to me it meant that the baby was going to be a boy (I wanted a boy but we didn't know the gender yet). I told him it felt like three protective spirits. He said, "But girls can be protectors too. You protect me." He was completely sincere, plus he wanted a girl.

Now I see that these three spirits around me do protect me and keep me safe but in a way I wasn't expecting. They protect me from myself. They protect me from my jagged edges. They give curves to my angles. They soften me in the places that had long hardened after a lifetime of self sufficiency and self destruction. They provide the gentle yin that balances my often harsh yang.

My men. My boys. My sweet, sensitive, protective, loving, caring, supportive spirits. I hope I've given you at least half as much as you've given me and that you'll allow me, everyday, to keep trying to give you more. I love and adore you.

Month of Me! - Day 13

THIS!! THIS RIGHT HERE!! This is everything! This is my senior year of high school! This song (and thus this performance) was EVERYTHING to a romantic, hormonal, bisexual Black nerd chic in '93 in love with the hottest guy I'd ever laid eyes on in-person who was just as horny as me!! 

Do you know I would've KILLED for YouTube back in '93 for the chance to watch this on a loop at various times throughout my day, complete with fancy hand dances. Today, this song. It's all about this song.

Bi the Way: I am Bisexuality at it's Finest!

this is a post from my new, R-rated, NSFW, cover the kid's eyes blog Other Side of Mama. on Other Side of Mama i take great and grand liberties in letting my freak flag fly and kicking the censors to the curb. on Other Side of Mama i pay homage to the foul-mouthed floozy within! and as such, my first official post there is being highlighted on BlogHer.com in the Life section (HAPPY DANCE!!)! I'm very proud of this and i wanted to share my news all over the place so if the kids are in bed and you're not feeling too sensitive, hop on over and give it a read, tell me what you think! :D

s

Timothy Bloom - 'Til The End Of Time ft. V. Bozeman

this is beautiful in every possible way a music video and piece of art can be beautiful.

there is some artistic nudity so it's NSFW, but i'm completely in love with this video.

first valentine

so I have to tell you about my first real valentine's day, the first valentine's I spent with mar, the father of my child and man I'm going to marry.

this particular valentine's shouldn't have even happened. I was 15, he was 16. we had only been together for about four months when valentine's day rolled around, but I was already well aware of his general anti-holiday stance. valentine's was worse than most since he felt he did a pretty good job of showing me his love everyday. he was right, he did. but I was 15 and I had a boyfriend and it was valentine's day! I was willing to not get anything because of the principle, but i couldn't stop pouting.

it was evening. I was home in my room, laying on the bed reading and hiding, trying to suck in my lip. the doorbell rang but I figured it was for one of my brothers, went back to reading. I didn't even hear him come up the stairs or down the long hallway to my room, he was just suddenly in my bedroom door.

he dropped to his knees by the bed and handed me a flower box. 'so uh, yeah, I was told to deliver this here box.' I opened it and it was full of the prettiest, sweetest daisies! I would have been so disappointed in roses, way too cliche for us. then I looked closer.

some of the flowers were attached to each other. I picked one up and a string of them came along. he'd taken a bunch and fashioned them into a necklace! he slipped it around my neck then he picked up a small daisy from the box and slipped it around my finger, he'd made it into a perfect little ring.

it was my first real valentine's day and it was beautiful and I spent it with the man that I'll spend the rest of my valentine's days with.

happy valentine's day. I love you, baby.

a hug from the universe

i love when i can actually look around at the tangible and intangible things in my life and see, fully see, the energy i put out coming back to me. the hopes, the love, the dreams- all reflected in my day-to-day life. even better is when it's a surprise!

right now, my life is pretty damn good. i have so much love in me and around me that i sometimes don't know where to put it all. i am in love and it's the first emotionally mutual relationship i've ever had. it's the first time in my life i've been with someone who was just as in love with me as i am with him, at a time when we were both available to each other. the same man i took to my high school prom, and i loved him just as much then. we have a healthy, beautiful, energetic, happy, loving son and we all adore each other. 

but the expanse of positive wealth in my surroundings has layered over into other aspects that i'm just truly understanding.

i realized when i got pregnant that my social life was going to change. i would have to limit the time i spent with lots of my friends, only because they are good people and there are some things good people don't like to do around pregnant women. even if it's play loud music or have a cigarette, some people are just protective of the mother-to-be and my friends are those people. i didn't want them to be uncomfortable so i didn't hang out much. and the same applies to a woman wearing a 6 month old strapped to her front. there are some things good people just don't like to do around kids. i totally get it.

but i was missing a community. i was feeling a bit isolated and it was an unfamiliar feeling to me. i've always spent a lot of time alone, it was often the side effect of being a black nerd. but this time i was in unchartered waters and it was unpleasant. kinda like 'castaway'; i felt like i was reinventing fire....only in my womb.

but then, in what was a remarkably quick show of understanding, all of the members of my new community surfaced and gave me a little hug, even if we never saw each other. i got messages and emails from couples and mothers and soon-to-be mothers and lots more happy, nappy, natural people and it was all love and peace. it was sharing and laughing and offers of help and i was always touched and reassured. i was given a circle where i could laugh when i felt like crying, talk freely about disgustingly personal bodily functions and not have a single raised eyebrow, and just hang out and not feel like i was bringing the party down.

and i love my old friends, they are still my family and so close and dear to me and i see them whenever i can. i even take the baby sometimes (he's just too cute and people need to see him sometimes, he makes them happy!). and now i'm even more blessed with another family that i can call out to for advice, amusement, and nervous breakdown avoidance and they all have their own level of 'i've been there' experience. 

this is my big ol' hug to all of you! every one of my family and friends who knew to send me love when i needed it. who offered me help (even though i'm not very good at asking for help), who shared a story, who hung out with me at various levels of hormonal schizophrenia.

thank you, i love you, and i'm hugging you right now.

p.s. this big ol' bear hug goes out especially to kandi, tomeka, tori, the bennu tribe, mirlande and fam, stefanie, and meagan cuz you love our babies soooo much!

and because you know the deepest me

To that one who knows me, all of me, more than anyone else ever has or will.

Lately

This particular poem I wrote while I was really in love with someone and I wasn't sure how mutual the feeling was. Everyday that I spent with that person I was thinking of how I could reach out to them in some profound way and not just make them realize my love, but how much they really loved me.

kiss...

it's in his kiss...

Rediscovered

The birth of new love in a new relationship! Two people realizing that they've been through similar traumas in life and dramas in love and though it may have taken a while, they found each other, and now they are starting to find themselves.

Falling-

This was a special kind of love. This was a love that no one but the two of us understood, but no one but the two of us cared. This was a spiritual love, a love was created in the stars, because that's the only place big enough to hold it.

how many loves?

I think we all want to know, is there just one true love out there in the world for each of us, that by some miraculous twist of fate we are meant to meet, or are we meant to have a few loves in our lives? How many loves do we have?

Until-

A short and sweet poem for a never-ending love.

Love's Serenade

Love and music are woven into the fabric of the human experience, permanent parts of the sum that defines who we are. Though who and what we love in people and music may change over time, the need for each in order to feel richly rounded and fulfilled is always there. And they got to be good!

Thoughts At Midnight

Those first few weeks out of that 'make up to break up' relationship can leave you feeling like you can't bear to get through the next second alone. And then the clock strikes midnight, and you roll over to the empty spot where he used to be, and....

my sweet

For that special one that just makes your mouth water...