he loves, we hate

my son will be 2 years old in a month. i know i'm in store for big fun potty training, grand scale temper tantrums, lots of new vocabulary, and budding personality traits, but have no mistake this boy is definitely his own person. he is a very verbal and articulate little man and has no problem telling me and anyone else what he wants, doesn't want, likes and dislikes.

and therein lies my dilemma as a mom.

when my li'l one decided to boycott eating all things red, i patiently complied. i knew it was a phase that would last as long as a 1 year old's attention span can last and of course it did pass (granted, he then decided to boycott eating the color orange, but my patience still prevails). my sweet boy is now adamantly protesting wearing any shirts with tags in the collar. i rather agree with this protest, itchy tags in baby clothes are just mean! but what happens when he absolutely LOVES something that i, or his father, hates?

at the moment, there's a particular cartoon that our boy absolutely loves, i mean he loves it. when he woke up this morning it was the first thing he asked for and at night it's the last thing he wants to see. i know it's just another one in what's bound to be an ongoing series of phases and i think it's rather funny. daddy however is not so amused. as much as our boy loves this cartoon, that's how much his father hates it. i mean he really hates it.


i don't let our son watch anything that i haven't watched first and nothing that doesn't benefit him in some way. anything he watches has to teach him something good, so it's not that this particular cartoon is harmful in anyway. his father just thinks it's a lame cartoon. that's the problem. the cartoon is not objectionable just unlikeable. so do we inflict our likes, our personal preferences on our son and not let him watch this cartoon or allow his personal preferences to bloom as they naturally will?

i've always loathed when parents say things like "my child will only eat chicken nuggets" or "my 5 year old loves the song 'birthday sex'" because as far as i'm concerned it means the child is the parent and the parent has allowed that child to run over them. a child has no job and can't buy themselves chicken nuggets or a cd so that parent has to provide these things. thus their statement should be "i only buy my child chicken nuggets" or "i let my child listen to 'birthday sex'". to me, these parents have a problem with accountability and a bigger problem with their parenting skills because in essence they're blaming their children for actions that it's the parents responsibility to control.

these parents also have the problem of wanting to be their child's 'friend' instead of the 'parent'. i thoroughly understand not wanting to deny your child something they really want, i know how tough it can be when a sad-faced, miserable kid begs and pleads for something i just don't want him to have or i know he shouldn't have. it goes from annoying to heartbreaking rapidly, but i'm his mother not his friend. my biggest role as his mother is to protect him and i can't do that if i'm too busy trying to be his friend. but in an effort to protect him the converse is also true.

as far as i'm concerned, just because i dislike something doesn't mean i have the right to keep it from him if it's something that does him no actual harm and especially if it's something that helps him. thinking back to my childhood and adolescence my parents were pretty good about living this concept. they created a learning environment in our home so that the things that were in my life as a child were all beneficial to my growing brain until i was able to earn my own money and indulge in my own preferences. i know they were not fans of the very loud heavy metal and even louder clothes and makeup, but their objections were few. their method was to expose me to as much as possible so that i had a wide berth of knowledge to learn from and develop. the end result is a 35 year old woman who can still rock hard with the best of 'em, or mellow out to some nina simone or sam cooke.

i will protect my son to the best of my ability everyday of his life. that means he will never have a chicken nugget that i don't cook myself or listen to any song with a title like 'birthday sex' until he's able to buy these things with his own hard earned cash, even if that doesn't happen until he's 18.

that also means i won't be forcing my likes or dislikes on him because then i'm not allowing him to be his own person, and frankly i'm very curious as to who that person is going to be and i can't wait to meet him!

turn off the light

I have a full head tonight. thoughts running and racing, bouncing off of each other, makes it hard to write anything truly coherent.

so instead I'll leave you with someone else's words, a poet I grew up loving and I'm so happy to share with my son now. good night beautiful people, now turn off the light.

-----

"When You Turn Off The Light"

Small as a peanut,
Big as a giant,
We're all the same size
When we turn off the light.
Rich as a sultan,
Poor as a mite,
We're all worth the same
When we turn off the light.

Red, black or orange
Yellow or white,
We all look the same
When we turn off the light.

So maybe the way
To make everything right
Is for God to just reach out
And turn off the light!

-- Shel Silverstein

everyday

my heart was very up and down today. mostly good feelings about good people doing good things. but mingled in were tiny stabs at my self-worth and sharp pangs in my heart.

there was so much I should have said today. things I wanted to say to maybe help someone else and things I needed to say to help myself. but the words were buried under blankets of fear and denial; fear of hurting or losing someone and denial about whether I was even right to begin with.

I could have been so much more today. I could have been stronger in some places and softer in others, more disciplined in some things and more relaxed in others. but it's the end of the day so all I could have been today is exactly what I was, and all I can be is waiting to be explored tomorrow.

first valentine

so I have to tell you about my first real valentine's day, the first valentine's I spent with mar, the father of my child and man I'm going to marry.

this particular valentine's shouldn't have even happened. I was 15, he was 16. we had only been together for about four months when valentine's day rolled around, but I was already well aware of his general anti-holiday stance. valentine's was worse than most since he felt he did a pretty good job of showing me his love everyday. he was right, he did. but I was 15 and I had a boyfriend and it was valentine's day! I was willing to not get anything because of the principle, but i couldn't stop pouting.

it was evening. I was home in my room, laying on the bed reading and hiding, trying to suck in my lip. the doorbell rang but I figured it was for one of my brothers, went back to reading. I didn't even hear him come up the stairs or down the long hallway to my room, he was just suddenly in my bedroom door.

he dropped to his knees by the bed and handed me a flower box. 'so uh, yeah, I was told to deliver this here box.' I opened it and it was full of the prettiest, sweetest daisies! I would have been so disappointed in roses, way too cliche for us. then I looked closer.

some of the flowers were attached to each other. I picked one up and a string of them came along. he'd taken a bunch and fashioned them into a necklace! he slipped it around my neck then he picked up a small daisy from the box and slipped it around my finger, he'd made it into a perfect little ring.

it was my first real valentine's day and it was beautiful and I spent it with the man that I'll spend the rest of my valentine's days with.

happy valentine's day. I love you, baby.

babylove's love

this is a notice to everyone who will spend time with our baby boy alone, the people who love him and want to bond with him. he's a really good kid, honest! he doesn't mean to break your furniture and pull apart your electronic devices. he's just curious and very enthusiastic.

we want you to know that he probably likes you, he's very friendly, but he does have some unusual ways of showing affection, coupled with his....enthusiasm, it's easy to confuse his affection for minor acts of terrorism. this is a basic guide to understanding babylove's expressions of affection.



1. if he stares at you blankly for extended periods he probably likes you, or at least he's interested in learning what you're bringing to the table. captivate him with exagerated funny faces & sound effects and you've made a friend.

2. if he shrieks and runs away from you, he likes you. he just gets so excited in your presence he simply must flee. this is how he responds everytime he sees his father!

3. if he throws things at you he does like you. especially if he aims for your head. he's just sharing.

4. if he asks you to pick him up, then immediately put him down, then pick him up again, then repeat, he really likes you. he thinks you're worthy of being his plaything.

5. if he runs at you then pummels you about the head, neck, and chest with his strong little fists he thinks you're great! you're so great he can't believe you're real unless he pounds on you repeatedly!

6. if he's sitting on your lap and suddenly tries to agressively climb, you he loves you! he loves you so much he has to get closer to you, climb inside of you even.

7. on the rarest of occassions he will actually take your face in both of his little hands, says 'mmmmmaaahhh!' and plant one right on the kisser! this means.....well we're actually not sure. it happens so rarely we haven't had many instances to study this behavior. but we're hopeful!

so there you have it, a basic rundown of how babylove shows his love. so when you hand him back over to us just consider all of your bumps, bruises, and broken items to be signs of love!