I think around the eigth month of pregnancy I started to really grasp the fact that I was actually having a baby.
Really, 'being pregnant' and 'having a baby' are two entirely different things. I focused on 'being pregnant', eating right, exercising the muscles in all the right places, getting doctors and making (and keeping) more appointments than I've ever had. Being pregnant was a lot but I was getting the hang of it.
And then it occurred to me one day that I wasn't just pregnant, I was having a baby!! I was going to be responsible for a tiny, delicate, fragile life that I have to raise and educate and prepare for the world! Are you kidding me!?!
I had more than one minor anxiety attack.
Luckily, it didn't take me as long to adjust to motherhood as it did to adjust to 'having a baby'. My baby is only 10 weeks old and I can honestly say 'I get it'. Yes I am totally responsible for a tiny, delicate, fragile life that I have to raise and educate and prepare for the world, but it's so much more basic than that. My baby boy has the most beautiful, crooked, open-mouth giggle that I get rewarded with regularly. My baby boy recognizes me and will look for me when under stress; I bring him comfort. My baby boy will be a big boy, then a young man, and then a man, and I will give all that my soul has to make sure he's a damn good man.
My love for him initially made me frantic, self-conscious, neurotic and probably made me seem a bit nuts. I'm a first time mother, cut me some slack. Now, my love for him makes me cautious but joyous because I can see his love for me. His cute little baby love!
So, with all that said, I can feel the transition taking place. I can feel my certainty and confidence in the mother that I've always been and I'm feeling like 'me' again. I'm feeling my legs up under me again and I feel steady.
I wanted to pause for one second in the midst of my motherhood and welcome me back to the world.
Good to see you again!
02 July 2008
23 March 2008
Adding Up and Counting Down
Motherhood. Mommy. Mom. Soon, very, very soon, these words will apply to me. Damn. I'm not really sure that I'm ready, I wasn't even ready for the pregnancy and the abundance of changes that came about, but I guess most first time mothers have that sense of fear and uncertainty.
I have days where all I can think is, damn.
Initially is was difficult for me to say that I was pregnant. I wasn't wrapping my head around the concept very well. My 'partner', the baby's father, always tells people that I have a 'bun in the oven' or 'one on the way' or some other euphemism, which didn't help me to learn to vocalize what was going on. And then once I finally settled in the comfort of saying, "I'm pregnant." I had another obstacle to overcome.
I had to stop thinking of my pregnancy as some sort of ailment or situation that had to be dealt with and start embracing it as the best part of life and the one metamorphosis that my body would go through that meant more than any other. As uncomfortable and even downright painful as parts pregnancy can be, I wanted to make myself focus less on the discomfort and more on the actual little person that was forming and growing inside of me. This fueled my need to learn as much as possible about what we were going through. I wanted to know, week-by-week, what changes were taking place, what did my baby look like now, what should I be doing differently- any and everything I could pick up. It made the whole process more concrete to me, more real. Especially during that time before I could actually feel my little one kicking and squirming inside of me. Learning about my pregnancy helped me to accept it as natural and not quite as creepy as I once felt.
But that wasn't the end of it.
I'd accepted that I was pregnant. I understood the changes and developments that my tot and I were going through. It took a whole other mindset to translate 'being pregnant' into 'being a mother'.
It was one day in particular that drilled this point home. I was around seven months or so, it was early morning and I was trying to get a few more minutes of sleep. However the karate kicker in my belly had other ideas and simply wouldn't settle down. For about a week or so before this particular day, whenever my little one was restless like this first thing in the morning I would get up and try some prenatal yoga, or go for a short walk (which is my partner's cure for every pregnancy discomfort) but it hadn't been very effective. This morning I had an epiphany that should have been common sense but just wasn't to me; I had to eat something. I was trying to soothe a hungry baby and all I really needed to do was eat. I ate, and a short time later my well fed kicker went back to sleep.
Wow, it sunk in with a vengeance. I have a baby to take care of, regardless of whether or not I'm holding the child in my arms at present, I have a baby, not a pregnancy, to take care of.
So now, with less than three weeks until my due date, I think I get it. I have no idea if I'm going to be a good mommy, but I do realize that everything that is happening means that yes, I'm going to be a mommy. I know I'll be a good provider, everything that this baby has now in preparation for their grand entrance into the world, I've provided.
Plus I've done everything in my power to stay healthy and happy to get my little one healthy and happy before they ever see the light of day. Isn't that what a mommy is supposed to do?
I have days where all I can think is, damn.
Initially is was difficult for me to say that I was pregnant. I wasn't wrapping my head around the concept very well. My 'partner', the baby's father, always tells people that I have a 'bun in the oven' or 'one on the way' or some other euphemism, which didn't help me to learn to vocalize what was going on. And then once I finally settled in the comfort of saying, "I'm pregnant." I had another obstacle to overcome.
I had to stop thinking of my pregnancy as some sort of ailment or situation that had to be dealt with and start embracing it as the best part of life and the one metamorphosis that my body would go through that meant more than any other. As uncomfortable and even downright painful as parts pregnancy can be, I wanted to make myself focus less on the discomfort and more on the actual little person that was forming and growing inside of me. This fueled my need to learn as much as possible about what we were going through. I wanted to know, week-by-week, what changes were taking place, what did my baby look like now, what should I be doing differently- any and everything I could pick up. It made the whole process more concrete to me, more real. Especially during that time before I could actually feel my little one kicking and squirming inside of me. Learning about my pregnancy helped me to accept it as natural and not quite as creepy as I once felt.
But that wasn't the end of it.
I'd accepted that I was pregnant. I understood the changes and developments that my tot and I were going through. It took a whole other mindset to translate 'being pregnant' into 'being a mother'.
It was one day in particular that drilled this point home. I was around seven months or so, it was early morning and I was trying to get a few more minutes of sleep. However the karate kicker in my belly had other ideas and simply wouldn't settle down. For about a week or so before this particular day, whenever my little one was restless like this first thing in the morning I would get up and try some prenatal yoga, or go for a short walk (which is my partner's cure for every pregnancy discomfort) but it hadn't been very effective. This morning I had an epiphany that should have been common sense but just wasn't to me; I had to eat something. I was trying to soothe a hungry baby and all I really needed to do was eat. I ate, and a short time later my well fed kicker went back to sleep.
Wow, it sunk in with a vengeance. I have a baby to take care of, regardless of whether or not I'm holding the child in my arms at present, I have a baby, not a pregnancy, to take care of.
So now, with less than three weeks until my due date, I think I get it. I have no idea if I'm going to be a good mommy, but I do realize that everything that is happening means that yes, I'm going to be a mommy. I know I'll be a good provider, everything that this baby has now in preparation for their grand entrance into the world, I've provided.
Plus I've done everything in my power to stay healthy and happy to get my little one healthy and happy before they ever see the light of day. Isn't that what a mommy is supposed to do?
12 December 2007
Growing, Knowing, and Showing
belly love
Originally uploaded by r.s.m.b. Sees
I am so pregnant. If you haven't read my blogs on MySpace, that statement might be a new bit of news for you. If you've seen me in the past month or so, it's definitely not. I look like I swallowed a honeydew melon whole, and I kinda feel like that too. I can get away with wearing my man's clothes... well, his shirts.... that are baggy and kinda hang loose on my bulbous belly, but then I just look fat and frumpy (no matter what he says). When I wear my maternity clothes (shit, y'all, I have maternity clothes!) I definitely look like I am so damn pregnant.
Some days it's totally cool, I kinda dig it actually. Especially when I'm walking the streets with the ol' man and he tells some long lost friend that 'we have a bun in the oven'. Then I really don't mind looking the part. The day we went for our most recent ultrasound and got to see the growing monkey in my tummy (the li'l monkey almost wouldn't stay still long enough to get a picture, already rebellious like mama and hyper like papa) I was proud to sport my big bulge. Now that I'm at the halfway point in the whole deal ('bout 5 months now) and I'm just starting to tell the difference between baby movements and gas, and a lady told me the other day she couldn't tell I was pregnant, I just looked like she did after a big meal, I'm getting used to the fact that I got a lot more bulging to do so I'm trying to adjust quickly.
But then days like today when every part of my ever swelling body hurts, and I have muscle aches in places that even my rather flexible yoga skills don't touch, and I wake up with my first taste of Braxton Hicks contractions, toting this giant belly is just a pain in the ass! When I can't even bend over to pick up the pen I dropped, and I'm peeing twice an hour (that might be too much information, but you could have stopped reading a long time ago), and my sore boobs and cramping back have decided to be my painful enemies, and then I think, "I'm only halfway through this whole thing, I have soooo much more bulging to do!!!" I am so over this pregnancy deal.
That does not mean I don't already love and adore the little wonder that's currently residing in me, I really do. It's cool to know that I love someone I've never met, so I can't imagine how much I'll love the li'l monster upon arrival. If only the hyper devil would stop beating on my bladder like a bongo (no seriously, we saw this on the ultrasound-- papa to be found it very amusing). It's amazing how bipolar this seems to be making me.... more so than usual.
I am doing some things to make sure this li'l one knows mama from day one. I read out loud often, lots of poetry, Maya Angelou, Nikki Giovanni, and some Stephen King (hey, I like it and I don't want a skittish, squeemish kid) for starters. I put my mini-speakers on my tummy and play good music; Donny Hathaway, Stevie Wonder, Fertile Ground, and Raul Midon are some of the folks on the current playlists. Yoga will hopefully keep me from being too miserable and make a little yogi to boot. I have to admit, I do wish papa would participate a bit more- maybe talk to the li'l one or read a story or two to my growing belly to help create a bond (with both of us during this process), but he's being excellent in all other aspects. His focus is taking care of me and making sure my needs are met, so I'm sincerely appreciative, truly.
Other than that, all I got to say is that I am so PREGNANT!
25 November 2007
16 June 2007
So here's the story... and you really want to hear the story...
So everyone wants to know where I am and what I'm up to. Where I am and what I'm up to is being in a state of bliss and it's rather crazy. I use that word a lot these days; crazy. I laugh a hell of a lot these days. My heart is beating stronger and with much more purpose these days.
I've reclaimed my life and the love of my life. They're kinda the same thing actually.
But what's crazy is the story. You gotta hear the story.
Right now, when people see me and the love of my life walking hand in hand down the street, they smile at us because we're smiling. We get asked often how long we've been together.
We answer together:
"Well, this time only a few months."
"But we're really high school sweethearts."
The usual response is, "What!?!" "Are you serious?" or something similar to disbelief.
He likes to tell the story and I like how his face softens when he tells the story (his very good friend has observed it too and hence joked him and coined the phrase "long-blinks"), so I let him tell the story:
"We met in high school. We were going to different schools but had friends at the same school. Anyway, I went to all her dances with her. We even went to her prom together. But then after high school we were apart for more than 10 years. I was in New York and DC and Japan and she was in Los Angeles and The Bahamas, but we always stayed friends and kept in touch no matter what."
And it's crazy, he usually doesn't have to go any further. The way he looks at me, touches me, 'long blinks' and tells the story, folks just can't help but see a man truly in love and they just,
"AAAWWWW!!" "Look at how cute y'all are!" "Look at this man!" And they often have questions. They want to know about us, if we're really as in love as we look, what we do for a living, whatever.
All he does is talk about me, and I talk about him. I'm so proud of him, the person that he's become and the person that I know he will be. He tells the world the same about me, and he says he still has years to catch up on.
In restaurants, markets, coffee shops, on the street, people ask about us and are genuinely amazed. It's crazy!
Our old friends are shocked in the best ways. "How the hell did you find your ways back to each other!?!" "We didn't even know you two were back in the country!" And we have to humbly say we just love, "You look so good and happy together!"
And damn we really, truly are.
We are so in love we're anti-social (sorry to all my local peeps, it happens ya know) but we have the greatest adventures out together. We bought a bow off a dude on the street and got some arrows from his friend that same night, took them to the park and practiced our archery. We've since invested in our purchase and decided to make it a hobby (we look sexy with the bow).
I got to watch him rock the runway in front of hundreds of people in a high end boutique fashion show.
He met my favorite aunt who called him a fine, young man and gave him the ok. Hell, today we rode in drift cars around a speedway and it was the fastest time I've ever had in a car and AWESOME!!
If you are not familiar with the concept of drift racing, check the Wiki here and our YouTube video here. It's extremely dangerous, but extremely fun (when done by professionals, kids DO NOT TRY THIS WITH YOUR PARENTS CAR!!).
Even a spring nature hike is a wondrous event with him. He picks me Forget-Me-Nots and takes my picture while we sit on the rocks overlooking the lake at sunset. He brings spectacular moments to every second so that's miraculous in-and-of-itself.
He makes it very easy to answer one question. "Why did you leave the Bahamas to come back to Baltimore!?!"
I can look at my wonderful, 'long-blinking', loving, supportive, baby and say without a fragment of a doubt, "I came to be with him." This is the most right decision I have ever made in my life, I came to be with him.
So that's the story. That's where I am and what's going on with me. I'm blissful beyond anything I've ever imagined and I'm in another state of being. We're working together, living together, creating together, loving together. We're together and we're happy. It's very important to both of us and it consumes a great deal of our time and energy and we like it that way, so really pardon us if you happen to be amongst the people neglected because of our newly reclaimed relationship.
But don't you think it's for a good cause now that you know the story?
I've reclaimed my life and the love of my life. They're kinda the same thing actually.
But what's crazy is the story. You gotta hear the story.
Right now, when people see me and the love of my life walking hand in hand down the street, they smile at us because we're smiling. We get asked often how long we've been together.
We answer together:
"Well, this time only a few months."
"But we're really high school sweethearts."
The usual response is, "What!?!" "Are you serious?" or something similar to disbelief.
He likes to tell the story and I like how his face softens when he tells the story (his very good friend has observed it too and hence joked him and coined the phrase "long-blinks"), so I let him tell the story:
"We met in high school. We were going to different schools but had friends at the same school. Anyway, I went to all her dances with her. We even went to her prom together. But then after high school we were apart for more than 10 years. I was in New York and DC and Japan and she was in Los Angeles and The Bahamas, but we always stayed friends and kept in touch no matter what."
And it's crazy, he usually doesn't have to go any further. The way he looks at me, touches me, 'long blinks' and tells the story, folks just can't help but see a man truly in love and they just,
"AAAWWWW!!" "Look at how cute y'all are!" "Look at this man!" And they often have questions. They want to know about us, if we're really as in love as we look, what we do for a living, whatever.
All he does is talk about me, and I talk about him. I'm so proud of him, the person that he's become and the person that I know he will be. He tells the world the same about me, and he says he still has years to catch up on.
In restaurants, markets, coffee shops, on the street, people ask about us and are genuinely amazed. It's crazy!
Our old friends are shocked in the best ways. "How the hell did you find your ways back to each other!?!" "We didn't even know you two were back in the country!" And we have to humbly say we just love, "You look so good and happy together!"
And damn we really, truly are.
We are so in love we're anti-social (sorry to all my local peeps, it happens ya know) but we have the greatest adventures out together. We bought a bow off a dude on the street and got some arrows from his friend that same night, took them to the park and practiced our archery. We've since invested in our purchase and decided to make it a hobby (we look sexy with the bow).
I got to watch him rock the runway in front of hundreds of people in a high end boutique fashion show.
He met my favorite aunt who called him a fine, young man and gave him the ok. Hell, today we rode in drift cars around a speedway and it was the fastest time I've ever had in a car and AWESOME!!
If you are not familiar with the concept of drift racing, check the Wiki here and our YouTube video here. It's extremely dangerous, but extremely fun (when done by professionals, kids DO NOT TRY THIS WITH YOUR PARENTS CAR!!).
Even a spring nature hike is a wondrous event with him. He picks me Forget-Me-Nots and takes my picture while we sit on the rocks overlooking the lake at sunset. He brings spectacular moments to every second so that's miraculous in-and-of-itself.
He makes it very easy to answer one question. "Why did you leave the Bahamas to come back to Baltimore!?!"
I can look at my wonderful, 'long-blinking', loving, supportive, baby and say without a fragment of a doubt, "I came to be with him." This is the most right decision I have ever made in my life, I came to be with him.
So that's the story. That's where I am and what's going on with me. I'm blissful beyond anything I've ever imagined and I'm in another state of being. We're working together, living together, creating together, loving together. We're together and we're happy. It's very important to both of us and it consumes a great deal of our time and energy and we like it that way, so really pardon us if you happen to be amongst the people neglected because of our newly reclaimed relationship.
But don't you think it's for a good cause now that you know the story?
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