Imperfect Thoughts - Pencilling Myself In

I keep making plans with myself; plans to exercise daily, plans to write daily, plans to paint my finger and toe nails, plans to sit on the patio and watch the sunrise while sipping coffee and listening to my favorite songs, plans to become a morning person in general.

I suck at keeping all of these plans.

Isn't the first step admitting the problem? I have a big problem with personal accountability. In an office or other work environment I'm great, I will have your office running like water off a duck's back. I will beat your deadlines and you will be thrilled with my results. I'm great at doing this for other people but I have never been able to do this for myself. Not well enough to progress at certain things the way I know I'm capable of. Not nearly as well as I do it for others.

Why!?!

I'm thinking about this a lot right now as I contemplate the true value of returning to school to finish my degree. To what end. What will it contribute or take away from my life? What--? Just what!

I was taught to follow rules, get a degree, get a good job to move forward and all that jazz but I don't want a job, I want to create my own life and prosper and teach my son to do that. I want what my dad did by building his empire. I don't want an empire but I have a voice and I want to use it. I want to write my story in the way that suits me. I have a story and a life that has so much purpose and I see it and I want to share that and I know it's my bliss so it will be how I prosper with my family, in whatever shape that takes for us.

I want to teach Kendi the lesson of building his own life and creating his own dreams and fulfilling them and my degree would have been that for me 10 years ago but now I would rather put that sort of hard work and dedication into the dream that I've had since childhood.

So I will. That's it. That's my motivation. No more tentative plans with myself because I'm the most permanent thing in my life. I need to be my most important obligation. Shit. Ok, let me do this.

Resolved

Looking back over my schedule over the past four months (hell, the past 6 years, for that matter) coupled with my consistent level of exhaustion and frustration, have made me come up with an unexpected but necessary resolution:

I WILL have at least one day a month TO REST!! One day where I give myself permission to have someone take my child for the day. One day where I give myself permission to say 'No I can't babysit.' One day where I give myself permission to ignore every phone call and spontaneous 'drop-in'. One day where I give myself permission to not cook or clean a thing unless I WANT to.

One day. One WHOLE day, not just a few hours squeezed into an already hectic day. One day.

This is small until I realize that it's more than I've had in 6 years. And it's way more than I've had in the past four months where I've had no time to myself that wasn't spent frantically catching up on life. I'm burnt out and it's starting to affect my overall outlook.

One day a month. 12 days out of 365. That's not a lot to ask and so I'm demanding it.

Month of Me! - Day 17

Today.

Damn today kinda sucked. Lots of reasons but nope, I'm not going there. I'll gripe about that elsewhere.

Right now I will at least give myself props for having posted daily for 17 days!! That's so small, so small. But 'a journey of a thousand miles', and all that jazz.

This is a journey and I'm still walking.

Month of Me! - Day 16

Recent discussions about a certain mega-star and her new 'feminist' stance have allowed me a moment of pause to define who I am as a feminist. I think this is important because feminism is such an over-used but under-defined term and often very misconstrued, especially when used by a Black woman.

My personal Feminism defines me as having EQUAL rights and responsibilities as a man. Not 'better' and not 'more' but equal. Done.

My feminism is one small reason why I will never follow a religion or belief system that teaches that women are lesser creatures and should be meek and obedient. But this world holds many spiritual beliefs and practices that teach the loving equality of humanity and those are my spiritual and moral guides.

My Feminism allows me to be secure in my sexuality yet aware of the over-sexualized rape culture that we live in and the damage it's doing to our youth. 

My Feminism is teaching me how to raise a son without any of the 'boys will be boys' cliches and enabling that encourages boys to be rough and insensitive with things and feelings. I don't want to raise that sort of boy to be that sort of man, the kind of man that women always complain about when they spit out the word "Men!" with snake-like venom. 

Bottom line is, my Feminism is easy, my Feminism is Humanism.

Month of Me! - Day 15

Check this out; I was sitting here thinking 'Crap, today I had to do some extra cleaning and laundry to make up on some slacking and the kiddo and I made a little robot craft, I made him a cardboard box jet pack and we did a kitchen science experiment then we went to a kiddie birthday party until our kiddie was so tired he was delirious so I didn't take a single moment for myself!!'

Hush, child.

Here's my moment: I really am a good mother and wife and homemaker and VillageMama and VillageCounselor and all those things that mean I'm a nurturer and  I'm good at caring for people. I just am and it's not a trait that every person had and it's not a trait that every woman has, not even many that are in a position to care for people.

A big part of being HotMamaShida is being a mama and at that I declare myself a boss. And there it is.

Month of Me! - Day 14

So this is another reshape but another one I'm awful proud of. It's an article I posted here first but it became a Featured Article when I posted it on BlogHer! For little old me, that's kind of  a big deal.

Read, enjoy!

"What Bisexuality Is Not"


I'm not entirely sure how to start this topic so I'll just say flat out: I'm a bisexual woman. For me this means I enjoy emotional and physical relationships with men and women alike. Let me tell you what, for me, this doesn't mean:...

Continue reading - What Bisexuality Is Not on BlogHer

Month of Me! - Day 11

Today there wasn't much room to pick a 'Me' focus but I did take a much needed moment to improve my overall appearance which is actually pretty important.

Very often I realize that when I'm exhausted or stressed I start to look rather haggard and like all of my clothes are suddenly 2 sizes too big. My saggy eyes get overrun by crust, my hair gets all scraggly, I look like a bedraggled mother of 10. Not a good look.

The problem is, I'm already stressed or exhausted or sometimes sick so every time I glance at myself in a mirror I LOOK stressed, exhausted and sick which just makes my mood worse.

It's just as easy for me to put on my cute, soft, comfy tee as it is to put on the frumpy, soft, comfy tee. I don't have to grab the oddly shaped 'mom' jeans (where did those come from, by the way?!?! I never bought mom jeans but somehow one pair, just one, has appeared in my wardrobe! What's worse, I can't bring myself to throw them away!!!) when my skinny stretch jeans are right beside them. 

Basically, I CAN look better than I feel which in a small way will help me to feel better. 

I took a break, washed my face and eradicated the layer of eye crust, I swapped sad mom wear for the perky mommy cute tee and skinny jeans, even replaced the bandana scarf with the hand-knitted hair net I like and in 3 minutes flat I at least looked like myself again and I did feel a hell of a lot better.

So there! I guess I took more of a Me moment than I realized. Quality over quantity, I guess. 

Gotta run, later!

Month of Me! - Day 10

WHEW!! I still have a randomly sick child but he's not quite as randomly sick so maybe I can get this in before midnight.

That said, all things considered I'm a pretty bad ass mom. I really am. That doesn't mean I'm a better or worse mom than any other mom out there who actually loves their kids and makes conscious efforts to do what's best for their kids.

I'm saying I'm the best mom for my kid and I do a really damn good job. We've raised a truly awesome boy so far! We've kept him happy, healthy, relatively well-adjusted (with just enough neurosis to make him quirky) and well-educated at home. I am half of the 'we' that is raising this brilliant kid, thus I am a BRILLIANT mom!

At least that's my deduction and announcement during this here self-indulgent Month of Me! Next month I'll be back to my normal self doubting, self deprecating self. Next month. This month, HotMamaShida RULES!

Month of Me! - Day 9

Another late and long day with the sick kid. Another (probably) brief post. 

I honestly don't know what to say about today, but I felt compelled to post something. It was great that I got to spend a whole day with both hubby and son, if only it hadn't been running the streets in an effort to get the sick boy healthy again.

This is the first real moment of quiet thought I've had all day....where I wasn't nodding off in random places.

So maybe today I just give myself a thumbs up for having stuck to my daily posts about (mostly) Me for more than a week. That is kind of a big deal to a chic who in an earlier post admitted to having a problem with consistency. 

So thumbs up, yay me, I'm going to bed.

Month of Me! - Day 8

It's after midnight but since I haven't been to sleep I'm still counting this as day 8. Plus we just came back from a brief and painless trip to the ER with the kiddo for this blastedly persistent fever, so I'm remembering my deal to cut myself some slack and shrugging it off.

Today I did something that I've come to really loathe but my kid really loves; I played in the snow! It snowed today, the first snow of the season, and the kiddo was sick but really, really wanted to play in the snow.

So we bundled up and out we went, into the untouched snow in our back yard. We made snow angels (well that part I left to him, I have no thermals) and threw snow all about and drew pictures and words in the snow and just played for a while. It was pretty fun! Yes. later his fever returned, the uncontrollable shakes he had last night came back and we ended up in the ER, but before that we played in the snow. That was good.

Good night, lovelies. This mama is beat.

Month of Me! - Day 7

I have to keep this brief because I have a 5 year old with a fever to tend to. And I'm damn tired. Which leads me to....

I am going to take better care of the one and only body I have and resume a regular exercise routine. That's it. I have a million reasons why I haven't done this so far and none of them is as important as my health. None of them is as important as being here as long as I can for my husband and son. None of them is as important as showing myself that I can fucking do it because I'm saying I will do it.

I am still healthy enough to only need to maintain my good health not regain my good health. I'm going to keep it that way.

Month of Me! - Day 4

Tody I practiced the art of cutting myself some fucking slack.

Sometimes I'm very hard on myself and  not good at asking for or accepting help. I don't let myself off the hook very easily either and I tend to overdo things when I'm at my worst (overcompensation). It doesn't always mean I'm effective or efficient, but it usually means I'm stressed out.

Today I dragged myself out of bed after wretched sleep and immediately started a mental lashing for all the things I should've done yesterday but didn't, all the things I'll unrealistically heap on myself today and all the things I'll leave myself inevitably to do tomorrow and then I said--

STOP DAMMIT!!

I made myself stop the useless lashing and start the useful day. I told myself 'today I will do today' and I made myself a pot of Café Bustelo and cut myself some fucking slack. 

And did the day.

Month of Me! - Day 3

Today I decided to grant myself a low-guilt splurge! Indulge one of my addictions in a small but satisfying way. I hit the $4.95 sale on Audible.com and got me two new audiobooks!! (Pause for geek dance that oddly resembles Snoopy's happy dance!)

I snagged 'Helter Skelter: The Manson Murders' which I've never read and 'Journey to the Center of the Earth' which I have read but Tim Curry narrates so I had to get it for just that reason. Crush and sigh.

So there's day three of ME!! $9.90 of nerd joy!

Month of Me! - Day 2

Today I toot my own horn. In fact, today I'm going to sound like the brass section of a symphony. Today I want to tell the world some things about me that make me proud. Typically I might mention some of these things in a casual, joking manner because.... I don't know. Maybe humility or maybe just self consciousness. Whatever, I'm doing it now.

So here's a random number of things I love about ME!:

I laugh a lot! A lot! I'm the kind of person to crack jokes while I'm crying. I'll find something funny at a funeral....probably at anything that takes place in a church. 

Which tells you that my humor is also a bit crass, but eh, I'm still funny. To me at least. And since I'm a hermit my own amusement is what's important.

Oh yeah, I'm an awesome hermit! The best! I'm a boss at hermitry. 

I'm a really good girlfriend/partner/wife because I like knowing I made someone happy. Plus.....

I'm AWESOME at sex! FRIGGIN AWESOME!! Ask around, I'm a floozy too so someone you know probably knows from experience.

And yes, I can joke myself. I don't get offended very easily so I don't mind being joked either.

I'm a really good writer when I put my mind to it. I call myself a Retired Poet however. Don't ask.

I have a huge and amazingly random collection of useless trivia in my head. 

I have a huge and amazingly random collection of music in my head. Music is never useless.

I can sing a little bit.

I'm a great dancer.

For years I thought that I was sexy but not pretty. It greatly affected how I approached life. Now I know I'm beautiful and that's how I approach life.

I'm a perpetually chipper cynic!

I'm really stinkin smart and good at plenty of things and most of the things I'm the best at I taught myself.

I'm a phenomenal mom. Doubts and challenges aside, I'm a phenomenal mom.

I try really hard to be a good friend. I don't always succeed but the best intention is always there.

I know when enough's enough so I'll wrap up ShidaPalooza. That was actually fun! Not nearly as creepy and self-stalkerish as I anticipated. And I'm pretty sure I told the truth about it all. Give it a shot, what's kick ass about you? Brag, boast, show you some luv, it feels good!

Now I have to click post real quick before I chicken out and replace this with some drivel about crafts or shoe shopping. See you tomorrow! :)

Month of Me! - Day 1

I'll be 39 this month and I feel pretty damn good about it. Financially our lives could definitely be better, but emotionally I am in a really good place and I feel the same coming from my boys. That says a hell of a lot considering our journey over the past few years.

So I'm taking some time to do something I never do in a way that is really difficult for me: I'm going to consistently do something to pay attention to ME at least once a day for the next 30 days. I never pay attention to myself and I suck at consistency, so there you go. The Month of Me, 30 days of self love, self expression, self exposure, self.

I'm not quite sure what form this month will eventually take but I'm willing to drag anyone along who's bored enough to follow.

For today, Day 1, I'm sharing a video that I've shared before about a rather awful experience I had as a teenager. I'm sharing this not because I'm proud to have survived it relatively unscathed, especially since there were other more awful experiences that I was not so lucky to escape so easily, but because this is an important part of who I am today as a woman, mother, wife, and friend. This plays a large part in the lessons I teach my son (and one day I'll show him this) and the value I have for the gentle yet protective nature of my husband.

This isn't a high point but a life lesson and the best learned lessons require occasional reinforcing.

Bi the Way: I am Bisexuality at it's Finest!

this is a post from my new, R-rated, NSFW, cover the kid's eyes blog Other Side of Mama. on Other Side of Mama i take great and grand liberties in letting my freak flag fly and kicking the censors to the curb. on Other Side of Mama i pay homage to the foul-mouthed floozy within! and as such, my first official post there is being highlighted on BlogHer.com in the Life section (HAPPY DANCE!!)! I'm very proud of this and i wanted to share my news all over the place so if the kids are in bed and you're not feeling too sensitive, hop on over and give it a read, tell me what you think! :D

s

as he sees himself

babyluv has taken a liking to cameras! not just having his photo taken (a lot) but he loves taking pictures! he has as awesome v-tech camera and a camera on his hand-me-down iPhone, plus guarded access to our iPhones and nicer cameras. initially he just liked to see the flash but now he's begun pointing at specific objects or people and taking real photos!

most fun, to me at least, is his growing collection of self portraits. he especially loves taking his own photos on my iPhone 4 using any of the photo apps. his favorites are IncrediBooth which has 4 different lens effects and takes a strip of photos like in a photobooth, and Instagram which let's you take photos and easily apply effects like aging or black & white.

so I'm encouraging his newfound hobby and putting together
a collection that he can admire. since the only thing he likes more than taking photos of himself is looking at photos of himself!

'as he sees himself' photoset

Hard-Working Mom... or Hardly Working? | BlogHer

i just read an article on BlogHer that i wanted to share; Hard-Working Mom... or Hardly Working?

this is a very sweet article that i completely relate to. i'm a stay/work at home mom and i constantly feel that i'm not doing enough. i imagine that my fiance, friends, blog readers.....everyone who knows me, thinks i'm living some sorta easy life of lounging and playing and it makes me feel highly inadequate.

but then i look at my awesome big boy and i know that i'll gladly take the financial and social loss to watch him grow everyday and never miss a single 'first' experience. i see how happy he is and i know i'm doing the right thing for us.

are you a stay/work at home mom or a mom that works out of the house? what's your experience? do you have any regrets?

Hard-Working Mom... or Hardly Working? | BlogHer

relatively happy new year

taken about 12:05 am. new year's 2011, five minutes after babyluv realized the combination of staying up til midnight then having a room full of adults countdown to an ear-splitting scream and trumpet of noise-makers can wreak havoc on a two year old's fragile nerves.

Unruly!

For all those who don't know, I gave birth to that wild child that you rolled your eyes at because he was running away from his parents in the supermarket then falling out on the floor screaming NOOOOOOO right after grabbing some random breakable item off the shelf. Yea, that adorable li'l tyrant in all those photos. And yet he's still alive and just barely spanking free.

That doesn't mean I haven't sat and contemplated how I could make him wear one of those doggy shock collars without going to jail.

Don't judge me.

Thanks to Aja Dorsey Jackson of Black and Married With Kids for sharing your unruly child story!

Unruly! How To Tame a Wild Child by Aja Dorsey Jackson of Black and Married With Kids