at the toy store

do you take your kids to the toys store? yes, I'm serious, do you? we actually love taking our kid and guess what, it saves us time and money!

no shit!!

sometimes just plan an extra 30-60 minutes to let your kids play in the toy store, or the toy aisles at you local Target or Walmart or whatever. Let the kids PLAY WITH THE TOYS with the knowledge that they aren't getting anything but they can play with everything.

then just watch them!

there's a reason why all those toys have 'Try Me' features! let the kids try them, it's fun! gently keep them moving thru the aisles (so they have time to play with lots of different things) but just let them play. you'll all get to see what toys the kids actually like, not just what they think they want because some commercial or other kid said it was cool.

so you save time trying to figure out what your kid is into this month and you save money later by avoiding buying toys the kids'll like for 20 minutes then banish to toy purgatory until the next kid picks it up.

and mommy gets a few minutes to whip out the smartphone and answer an email or check facebook or write a blog post like yours truly, since once the kids get used to knowing they have a limited time to play with any toy they like, you become background noise to the plethora of sounds and lights.

some days as a reward, we'll let our kiddo bring $5 of his own spending money to get himself a toy or 2. he's only 4 yrs. old so $5 is a big deal!

give it a try. at the very least you give your kids an hour of playtime bliss.

kids should question authority

'because I said so.' 'do what grownups say.' 'just don't ask.'

I just can't bring myself to say these things to my son. it goes against the lessons we try to teach ourselves as responsible, civic-minded adults; to question authority.

I don't want to teach my kid that he's always supposed to do what grownups say without question. first, not every grownup will have his best interest at heart and he needs to learn to trust his own instincts. if more children were taught that its okay to ask adults questions and expect answers maybe fewer children would be taken advantage of by adults that mean them harm.

second, the concept of questioning authority is one I want him to embrace. I was raised to ask questions and search for answers and as long as he's respectful, I want him to ask questions, my job is to be patient enough to give the answers.

we live in a society dominated by corrupt politics and businesses and if nothing else, the entire Occupy Movement showed the world that sometimes we need to question authority at the top of our voices and expect answers that make sense. I want my son to have this knowledge now, I don't think that's bad.

so if my son asks you some questions that you don't have the patience or information to answer please don't just say 'because I said so.' just because that let's you off the hook. help him find the answer or send him to someone who will, don't just brush him off.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." - Frederick Douglass

I'm rarely ever as bored as I look

trying on hats in Target, I kinda like this one!

trying on hats in Target, I kinda like this one!

sunny days

Taken at the B.S. HQ

so grateful I was raised in a home with a library

mmmm.....smoked goodness!

Taken at Neopol Smokery at Belvedere

random thoughts: stuffed but empty

in very basic terms, i'm a minimalist. over the years I've 'lost' my possessions (televisions, stereos, books, clothes, sentimental things, etc) repeatedly due to moves, basement floods, theft and various other circumstances. each time things get lost it hurts for a bit but never more than a month or two because that's how long I give myself to say 'well I've managed two month without ______, so I don't need it.'

'hoarders' the tv show shows the extreme side of a very common problem in this country; our self-worth lies in our possessions. it's the down side of a capitalist society, we have to have lots of pretty things to show our success. it's a lie and a mask, a mask made of lots and lots of stuff covering lots and lots of inner emptiness.

I'm deeply grateful to be able to take stock and see I have way more love in my life than 'stuff' and I realize I never want it any other way.

hood translations

this was shared with me and it's too funny (and accurate) not to pass on! a guide for the Ebonically challenged.

side note: y'all remember when they tried to make Ebonics a real language!?! I guess the equivalent today would be Textish. u kno wut im sayin? we str8? ttyl.

kidluv says this is his theme song!

kiddo knows best

so kidluv asked me if he could get on the computer and I said, 'Sure, why don't you play a few games on ABCmouse.com.' which is his site for 'learning games'. however, he asked to play on NickJr.com instead.

I grudgingly said, 'OK, but only for a few minutes since I think ABCmouse teaches you more while you have fun.' he turned and walked into the office. a few minutes later he came back and said, 'I think I can play on NickJr a lot! I teaches me too! come, lemme show you!' he took my hand and led me into the office.

he showed me this note on his chalkboard with a big ol' grin and said 'SEE!! NickJr is a SMART place to play! NickJr said so and SO DO I!!!'

for those who can't read the Sanskrit of a 4 year old, it says: NickJr. the smart place to play.

well alrighty, kiddo, you get no further argument from me. :)

mama at the playground

I'm at the playground with kidluv, standing at the top of the slide watching him go down and I remembered something; when I met Mar in high school I was TERRIFIED of heights. terrified. so much so, I hadn't gone down a slide since I was very little, a fact that I revealed to him while we were hanging out at a playground.

at first he thought I was joking or faking in a 'damsel in distress' kinda way, then he saw I was serious.

so he helped me. he didn't laugh at me or make me feel silly, he just helped me.

it took me a few minutes, but holding his hands I warily climbed up and staring into the first pair of smiling male eyes I ever truly trusted, I went down the slide.

it was so hard but so simple and changed so much.

now, 22 years later, as I run and play with my kid and carelessly stand at the top of the slide (that's where I'm writing this very hurried post from) I see that not only has he made me a mom, he helped make me a better mom. I wouldn't have this beautiful boy or this beautiful moment with him without that beautiful man.

now if you'll excuse me, I have some sliding to do. :)

ps. I love ya, babe!

becoming mama

I've been a mom for four years now and it's been the biggest adventure of my life. in four years I've shed my old skin in favor of a much more comfortable fitting one.

I'm insanely in love with the man and boy who made me a mom! they make me laugh from my gut and gush in loving wonder every single day.

my dear, sweet, magnificent partner, Mar. he has been my strength and balance. he has been the very definition of hustle and has done a damn good job of taking care of his family on his own terms. my pride is massive.

my love, my love, my love.....oh, my love.

my kid is friggin awesome! he makes me feel like I'm the world's best mom even though I think he pretty much raises himself. he's deliriously happy, strong and healthy and crazy smart. he's proof that my karma is good or at least it was in another life.

me and my men love each other fiercely and I don't question that one bit. that makes my mother's day and everyday magnificent. I'm discovering my inner domestic diva; my gift for and joy in taking care of my home (and fancy cleaning products!). I adore motherhood.

happy mother's day to every mom and mom-to-be out there. motherhood is a daring, beautiful experience and one I wouldn't trade for anything.

sick day

terror as teaching moments?

as a mom, I'm finding my parenting beliefs and concepts challenged and changing on a daily basis. I'm thinking harder about what parenting is and how much of it we do out of habit without taking the time to analyze the 'whys' behind our children's behavior and our own reactions. this is especially the case with discipline.

I'm realizing that I hate some of the things we as a society reflexively do to control our kids, much of which involves using terror as teaching moments.

I mean spanking of course, which is literally the act of hitting, smacking, tapping or whipping a child for the purpose of causing pain to get their attention or to punish. that's obviously using the terror of impending pain to teach a lesson. no, I don't support this and can debate it profusely and with supporting medical and psychological references, but that's not what I'm really thinking about.

I mean the more subtle ways we terrorize our kids in order to control a behavior. for example, we've been staying with various family for the past six months or so, a collection of loving, caring individuals who adore my son and only want to protect him. so when they see him doing something potentially dangerous they want to keep him safe, however our methods in doing so tend to be drastically different.

when I see Kidluv about to walk away from me in a public place I'll tell him 'honey I need you to always stay where YOU can see ME because if you can't see me then I can't see you. I don't want to lose you, ok?' usually the response is 'ok, mama!' and all's well, he'll stay close. occasionally he'll forget and we have to stay in hand-holding distance until he gets the reinforcement of 'stay close', then all's well.

but I've had a family member notice Kidluv walking away in a public place and (very sweetly) told him 'you shouldn't walk away from mommy because a stranger could come along and grab you and throw you in their car and take you away and you'll never see mommy and daddy again! so stay close, ok?'

what the bloody hell!!!

another one. the kiddo was doing his daredevil thing on the furniture and I noticed things getting a bit precarious so I told him I'd like for him to stop since it no longer looked safe and I didn't want him to get hurt.

then another well-intentioned family member co-signed and added 'yea, honey, you could fall and break your little arm or leg or bust your little head!'

cheese and crackers!!!

why oh why do we have to use these terrorizing worse case scenarios to scare our kids into obedience? I would much rather teach my child about the world then terrorize them about it. I'd rather give him the knowledge about what situations require caution and why, so that he learns to make informed decisions, than to freak him out at every turn so that he lives in this state of constant paranoia about busted heads and never seeing his parents again.

I remember a time years ago when I was at the mall with my then 5 year old cousin. apparently someone had just given her the 'some stranger's gonna snatch you away' talk because we were sitting and eating when a guy came up to us flirting and trying to get my number. after less than 30 seconds I heard this almost guttural sound coming from my sweet little cousin and I looked at her. her face was awash with rage and fear and she was snarling 'stranger danger, stranger danger.' I tried to reach over and take her hand but she jumped up, knocking over her chair and screeched 'STRANGER DANGER!! STRANGER DANGER!!'

hell and damnation!!

I snatched her up, hugging, kissing and consoling, assuring her she was safe, I was safe, there was no danger. ol' dude shuffled off quickly and without another word.

I realize now there is always a much more patient, kind, intelligent, and supportive way to teach our children to be wary of the hazards of the world without traumatizing them out of experiencing the world.

so people, please stop trying to freak my kid out, thank you very much.

--
photo courtesy of Explorations Early Learning, LLC!

hometown 5

Taken at Terra Cafe

hometown 4

hometown 3

hometown 2

hometown 1

hometown 1

who's bad?

I love children so I spend a lot of time with them and I can honestly say I've never met a 'bad' infant, toddler, preschooler or kindergartener. not once. but I have met a lot of kids that have been shown that 'bad' behavior is the only way to get their parents undivided attention. that's not a bad child, that's a child in need of better parenting.

that's all. happy Saturday, lovelies!

I will remember Trayvon.

more self indulgence, I mean self portraits

sunny days and a good book

leap

recently I was in the throes of a well-deserved nervous breakdown regarding some major decisions gone terribly awry and I was unloading on a very good friend. this very good friend also happens to be a very good person and silenced all my wailings of 'how did I allow this to happen!?!' with these simple words:

girl, you can't fly if you don't leap.

that's it.

so my advice to you today is just as simple; go take a leap. :)

it's rare that something this color is this delicious!

coffeehouse break with my boys

kid cuisine

a short note to the perpetually grumpy

hey you, grumpy person!! yea you! here's some advice:

1. be happy things are getting done instead of being angry they aren't done 'your way'.

2. treat other people's feelings, ideas, time and property the way you want yours treated.

3. stop asking for more than you're willing to give.

4. spend twice as much time talking about what you LOVE and HALF the time talking about what you hate.

5. spend more time SHOWING gratitude for the life you have instead of showing resentment for the things you don't have.

and SMILE!!!!! :D

there, feel better!?

laid back

gazing at geese

happy birthday FLOTUS!

today is the 48th birthday of Michelle Obama, the fabulous First Lady of the United States!

Mrs. Obama holds a special place in my heart because she has chosen to tackle childhood health and nutrition as her mission and motivation, an issue that is very important to me. I want to do as much as I can to make sure my boy is healthy and happy as long as possible to accomplish all the great things I know he's destined for.

and she's clearly a loving mom and that warms my heart. more often than not the First Family 'appears' very proper and well-mannered but not very loving, which is a very proper and well-mannered message to send to the nation, but not a very loving one.

have a glorious birthday, First Lady Michelle Obama!

rest peacefully, uncle gene

yesterday my uncle gene left us to take his place with the ancestors.

uncle gene was a cool dude, y'all. infinitely happy, full of laughter and jokes! he was lovingly married for 47 years.

the last time I saw him was many years ago when my angst and rebellion were at it's height. we were at a family reunion and he took me aside and said 'I know you're a good girl, I know you're a smart girl, I know you're wearing your mama out but she's your mama and she wants to protect you so it's hard for her to get that you don't fit in a small, safe box. your box is as big as this world and you just need the freedom to explore every corner.you'll be all right.' then he hugged me. very simple, but it was one of the most important things that an elder could've said to me at a time when I was struggling to fit into that small, safe box but failing miserably.

I can't mourn for uncle gene because he spread 77 years of good vibrations to everyone he met and that's going to last forever. I do mourn for those closer to him who will feel that empty space that his smile and laughter once filled much more acutely. my aunt lost her husband of 47 years. my cousins lost their dad. my mom lost her big brother.

my most sincere love and blessings are with my Hughes family. there's a whole lot of Hughes' and all that collective love and support is needed now.

keep watching out for your family, uncle gene. and keep an eye on me while I keep finding my own way through this world. I love you, rest peacefully.

got me a wagonload o' cute!!