23 December 2008

enough

i believe we create our own existence. by what we hope for or don't hope for, by what we focus on or don't focus on, and by what we surround ourselves with or don't surround ourselves with.

if you choose a life that includes happiness, love, health and harmony and embrace all of that in your current life, you will always welcome more into your life. self-fulfilling prophecy.

if you choose a life that includes anger, loneliness, illness and discontent and embrace all of that in your current life, you will always welcome more into your life. self-fulfilling prophecy.

i've had enough.

no more conspiracy theories, no more random paranoia, no more higher and lower levels of evildoers waiting to do me harm. no more gossip and no more nastiness. no more.

i've had enough.

i choose what will be present in my life.

to be informed about the actualities that exist in this world is smart, to be inundated with the potential evils that could exist in any world is self-destructive.

tell me something good. tell me what you love. tell me what made you smile today. and i'll tell you the same. i'll tell you why i think you're cool. i'll tell you about something beautiful i saw. i'll tell you something sweet.

let's shine some light in each other's worlds instead of casting shadows. there can never be enough of that.

19 October 2008

I'm a Bad Motha-! - Sounds of Music

[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="240" caption="do you hear what i hear?"]do you hear what i hear?[/caption]

Music is important. Music is a crucial part of life and growth. In all honesty I can't think of anyone that I like who doesn't listen to as much music as I do or more. It does't really matter what you listen to, it just matters that you listen. If you have the skill, make some music. Listen to the music for any time period and it will tell you much more about the events and people of the day than any history book. Music is important.

The first lullaby I can remeber came from the warm and loving voice of my dearest aunt bernadette. she would sing a song of empowerment called "Something Inside So Strong". I've been on school choirs since elementary school not because I'm a great singer, but because I love music and I can hold a tune. My mother loved old Mowtown and my dad loved old jazz, so there was an endless flow of both in my house growing up. My older sister dug R&B and my older brother was into Baltimore House and Hip Hop (back when it was still Rap). Even my little brother found his musical soul in current Hip Hop. I listened to all of it because it was all available for me to listen to.

However, from my tweens thru my teens, I was a rocker. I was a big fan of the 80's glam bands, plus some stuff that were a little heavier and some stuff that was a little lighter. I always had a radio (and eventually a boom box) in my room and I would let it play all night long. I would snooze deep with heavy metal playing in the background. I would only wake up on the few occasions one of my parents crept into my room to turn the music off. After a while they just let me be.

It became a need, I needed music to fall asleep or do anything productive while I was awake. Living on my own that was never a problem, I could blast tunes while studying, cleaning, writing and of course sleeping. Even when I had roommates, I could still play music to work or put me to sleep, just maybe play it quieter than I would ordinarily. But then serious relationships start, so I'm not just sharing an apartment with someone, I'm sharing a bedroom with someone. All of a sudden it occurs to me, what happens if this other person likes to sleep in silence? What if they can't read with music on or they have to turn it off to concentrate.

Sometimes that was the case, I had to get used to working or cleaning or such in silence, even though I never really liked it or felt I was as productive as I could have been. But I never got used to sleeping in silence. For a while I became a terribly light sleeper, every sound woke me up. Then a wonderful idea occurred to me; I can sleep with headphones on! Oh joy, everything is right in the world again!

Now, I'm in love with a music lover! He's a DJ and totally understands the need for a soundtrack to life. My baby is even a music lover, he likes for me to sing to him and dance with him, and sleeps better with music playing. I can't always have music playing when working around the house because I have to be able to hear the little one, but I think he sympathizes and so he makes his own music for me; beating his toys on his tray, singing and squealing at the top of his lungs and dancing and kicking his happy feet. His music is important too.

Like the sounds of history, the sounds of music in my life have changed drastically over my life, but it's always present and it's always reflective of the person I am that year, that week, that day. It's my soundtrack.





09 October 2008

a hug from the universe

i love when i can actually look around at the tangible and intangible things in my life and see, fully see, the energy i put out coming back to me. the hopes, the love, the dreams- all reflected in my day-to-day life. even better is when it's a surprise!

right now, my life is pretty damn good. i have so much love in me and around me that i sometimes don't know where to put it all. i am in love and it's the first emotionally mutual relationship i've ever had. it's the first time in my life i've been with someone who was just as in love with me as i am with him, at a time when we were both available to each other. the same man i took to my high school prom, and i loved him just as much then. we have a healthy, beautiful, energetic, happy, loving son and we all adore each other. 

but the expanse of positive wealth in my surroundings has layered over into other aspects that i'm just truly understanding.

i realized when i got pregnant that my social life was going to change. i would have to limit the time i spent with lots of my friends, only because they are good people and there are some things good people don't like to do around pregnant women. even if it's play loud music or have a cigarette, some people are just protective of the mother-to-be and my friends are those people. i didn't want them to be uncomfortable so i didn't hang out much. and the same applies to a woman wearing a 6 month old strapped to her front. there are some things good people just don't like to do around kids. i totally get it.

but i was missing a community. i was feeling a bit isolated and it was an unfamiliar feeling to me. i've always spent a lot of time alone, it was often the side effect of being a black nerd. but this time i was in unchartered waters and it was unpleasant. kinda like 'castaway'; i felt like i was reinventing fire....only in my womb.

but then, in what was a remarkably quick show of understanding, all of the members of my new community surfaced and gave me a little hug, even if we never saw each other. i got messages and emails from couples and mothers and soon-to-be mothers and lots more happy, nappy, natural people and it was all love and peace. it was sharing and laughing and offers of help and i was always touched and reassured. i was given a circle where i could laugh when i felt like crying, talk freely about disgustingly personal bodily functions and not have a single raised eyebrow, and just hang out and not feel like i was bringing the party down.

and i love my old friends, they are still my family and so close and dear to me and i see them whenever i can. i even take the baby sometimes (he's just too cute and people need to see him sometimes, he makes them happy!). and now i'm even more blessed with another family that i can call out to for advice, amusement, and nervous breakdown avoidance and they all have their own level of 'i've been there' experience. 

this is my big ol' hug to all of you! every one of my family and friends who knew to send me love when i needed it. who offered me help (even though i'm not very good at asking for help), who shared a story, who hung out with me at various levels of hormonal schizophrenia.

thank you, i love you, and i'm hugging you right now.

p.s. this big ol' bear hug goes out especially to kandi, tomeka, tori, the bennu tribe, mirlande and fam, stefanie, and meagan cuz you love our babies soooo much!

01 September 2008

I'm a Bad Motha-! - Food for Thought

Breastfeeding. Breastfeeding. Think about that word for a sec - breastfeeding. Literally, feeding a person from a breast. My breast. If you've done this before it probably just seems rather innate after a while, and I'm sure after a while it will seem innate to me too, however right now I am painfully aware that several times a day I have to feed a person from my breast.

Now let me preface this by saying that yes, breastfeeding is a wonderful thing, the bonding time with my baby is very cool especially when he's staring up at my face like he's memorizing every freckle. It's so sweet... but there are some definite quirks to the situation.

It's a rather surreal event sometimes. I mean, we'll skim over the whole 'leaking' fun and not dwell on the uncontrollable flow of fluid from body parts that are now 5 sizes bigger than they were just one short year ago. It's just so weird that now the process for alleviating hunger for a member of the household now requires me to be topless at odd and often public times and places.

go to sleep little baby

And you can look at me and plainly see that I am a rather buxom broad. My girls were pretty large and in charge before getting pregnant, then during pregnancy they began get a little more robust and dynamic (but they were almost eclipsed by the growing dome just inches below them), and now they are a new breed of wild beast. So I watch some women breastfeed and it looks like such a delicate and non-evasive process, but when I whip one of my massive ta-ta's out it is blatantly obvious that my boob is bigger than my infant's head. BIGGER THAN HIS HEAD! And my kid has a pretty big head. Luckily it doesn't have a funky shape or anything because it could definitely knock down his cute points. But still when my kid is latched on several times I've look down and thought, "That looks like the number 8."

Think about it.

The comparison is that for some fortunate lady with a C-cup, breastfeeding in public just looks like a woman cradling a baby to her bosom, the beautiful back of the baby's head obscuring any sign of mommy's skin. From almost any angle a halo of flesh is visible around my baby's head when he's sucking on me. Then, for an added bonus, my little boy likes to grab my shirt and lift it up and down, up and down, flashing any eager eyes that happen to be wandering our way.

And the biting.

Don't let anyone tell you that gums can't cause pain. Gums, gnawing little gums, gums connected to jaws that have no impulse control can freakin' hurt! Especially when those gums are gnawing on swollen and sore boobs, it really freakin' hurts. And I really want to do what's best for my boy and breastfeed him until he's at least 6 months, but I don't know - once his 1st tooth comes in we just might have to renegotiate this contract. I'd hate to accidentally punch the li'l guy in the top of his head for biting his dear mommy.

Like I said, breastfeeding can be endearing and quite cool and I'd do it all over again without hesitation.... well, without much hesitation.

27 August 2008

I'm a Bad Motha-! - Adjustments

It's amazing the things that one can adjust to in a short period of time.

I never thought I would not only get used to, but actually enjoy having a person drool or vomit on me. Having been a wild ass drunken club kid it's not the first time in my life that these things have happened, but it is the first time that I thought it was cute.  Granted, it's baby puke and drool, but it's puke and drool nonetheless.

I've adjusted to having liquid flowing from me without my control. It's an odd little dilema, when I'm home these days it seems pretty fruitless to wear a top because my giant, fat baby will either drool or puke on it, or attempt to eat through it to get to my boobs, however walking around topless has led to trails and puddles of breastmilk all over the apartment. Also, I've had female friends point out that if I don't wear a good bra more often my boobs will soon be in my lap (since I am a rather buxom broad).

I've adjusted to the post-partum narcolepsy. It's funny, I can't sleep when I want to because my child has radar and will always wake up as soon as I lay down intentionally (his radar is also excellent for knowing when I'm about to eat or have sex), but as soon as I try to sit and read a book or watch a movie.... 3 hours later I wake up wondering what the hell happened.

I can't even think of all the things that have changed over the past 4 months that are now just a regular part of my life and I guess being a mama means just taking it all in stride.... and only owning wash-and-wear clothing.

16 August 2008

I'm a Bad Motha-! - Shut Yo' Mouth!

I'm a mommy! This is of course the focus of much of my writing because it is the focus of most of my life. I'm having a ridiculously interesting time at mommy-hood and I'm finding parts of it to feel like an extention of pregnancy.

For example, people feel compelled to offer advice, old wive's tales, related stories.... hell, people just want to talk to you! I feel like the world's most neglected prom queen (I say neglected because 1. things like my personal hygiene often take backseat to things like 'tummy time' and diaper blow-outs and 2. no one is paying attention to me for me, it's just because I'm toting this pretty ass baby boy who stares at people intensely with dark grey and brown eyes that melt even grown men like butter.). I got a lot of this when I was pregnant and for some reason I thought it would end when I was not pregnant anymore. I wouldn't have to nod my way through another rendition of "When I/my sister/my best friend/my sister's mother-in-law's coworker was pregnant I had the worse (insert random dignity demolishing bodily function here)!!! What you need to do is (insert random OTC/backwoods/voodoo remedy here)!" Now it's changed to; "When I/my sister/my best friend/my sister's mother-in-law's coworker had my first baby, my baby had the worse (insert random bizarre or disgusting baby bodily function here)!!! What you need to do is (insert random OTC/backwoods/voodoo remedy here)!" And don't get me wrong, a big chunk of these stories and antecdotes have come in handy.... and many have not.

motherhoodBeyond all of that, I'm learning about the mommy that I am because of the mommy my baby needs me to be. We're shaping each other and giving each other what we need to smile and grow everyday.

And I'm learning to do a remarkable number of things with one hand!

Every now and then I have my moments of doubt, but I always remember something- I am not a fearful person, I make wise and brave decisions and I trust myself. I can always take a deep breath and remember; I'm a BAD MOTHA!

02 July 2008

Welcoming Me Back

I think around the eigth month of pregnancy I started to really grasp the fact that I was actually having a baby.

Really, 'being pregnant' and 'having a baby' are two entirely different things. I focused on 'being pregnant', eating right, exercising the muscles in all the right places, getting doctors and making (and keeping) more appointments than I've ever had. Being pregnant was a lot but I was getting the hang of it.

And then it occurred to me one day that I wasn't just pregnant, I was having a baby!! I was going to be responsible for a tiny, delicate, fragile life that I have to raise and educate and prepare for the world! Are you kidding me!?!

I had more than one minor anxiety attack.

Luckily, it didn't take me as long to adjust to motherhood as it did to adjust to 'having a baby'. My baby is only 10 weeks old and I can honestly say 'I get it'.  Yes I am totally responsible for a tiny, delicate, fragile life that I have to raise and educate and prepare for the world, but it's so much more basic than that. My baby boy has the most beautiful, crooked, open-mouth giggle that I get rewarded with regularly. My baby boy recognizes me and will look for me when under stress; I bring him comfort. My baby boy will be a big boy, then a young man, and then a man, and I will give all that my soul has to make sure he's a damn good man.

My love for him initially made me frantic, self-conscious, neurotic and probably made me seem a bit nuts. I'm a first time mother, cut me some slack. Now, my love for him makes me cautious but joyous because I can see his love for me. His cute little baby love!

So, with all that said, I can feel the transition taking place. I can feel my certainty and confidence in the mother that I've always been and I'm feeling like 'me' again. I'm feeling my legs up under me again and I feel steady.

I wanted to pause for one second in the midst of my motherhood and welcome me back to the world.

Good to see you again!

23 March 2008

Adding Up and Counting Down

Motherhood. Mommy. Mom. Soon, very, very soon, these words will apply to me. Damn. I'm not really sure that I'm ready, I wasn't even ready for the pregnancy and the abundance of changes that came about, but I guess most first time mothers have that sense of fear and uncertainty.

I have days where all I can think is, damn.

Initially is was difficult for me to say that I was pregnant. I wasn't wrapping my head around the concept very well. My 'partner', the baby's father, always tells people that I have a 'bun in the oven' or 'one on the way' or some other euphemism, which didn't help me to learn to vocalize what was going on. And then once I finally settled in the comfort of saying, "I'm pregnant." I had another obstacle to overcome.

I had to stop thinking of my pregnancy as some sort of ailment or situation that had to be dealt with and start embracing it as the best part of life and the one metamorphosis that my body would go through that meant more than any other. As uncomfortable and even downright painful as parts pregnancy can be, I wanted to make myself focus less on the discomfort and more on the actual little person that was forming and growing inside of me. This fueled my need to learn as much as possible about what we were going through. I wanted to know, week-by-week, what changes were taking place, what did my baby look like now, what should I be doing differently- any and everything I could pick up. It made the whole process more concrete to me, more real. Especially during that time before I could actually feel my little one kicking and squirming inside of me. Learning about my pregnancy helped me to accept it as natural and not quite as creepy as I once felt.

But that wasn't the end of it.

I'd accepted that I was pregnant. I understood the changes and developments that my tot and I were going through. It took a whole other mindset to translate 'being pregnant' into 'being a mother'.

It was one day in particular that drilled this point home. I was around seven months or so, it was early morning and I was trying to get a few more minutes of sleep. However the karate kicker in my belly had other ideas and simply wouldn't settle down. For about a week or so before this particular day, whenever my little one was restless like this first thing in the morning I would get up and try some prenatal yoga, or go for a short walk (which is my partner's cure for every pregnancy discomfort) but it hadn't been very effective. This morning I had an epiphany that should have been common sense but just wasn't to me; I had to eat something. I was trying to soothe a hungry baby and all I really needed to do was eat. I ate, and a short time later my well fed kicker went back to sleep.

Wow, it sunk in with a vengeance. I have a baby to take care of, regardless of whether or not I'm holding the child in my arms at present, I have a baby, not a pregnancy, to take care of.

So now, with less than three weeks until my due date, I think I get it. I have no idea if I'm going to be a good mommy, but I do realize that everything that is happening means that yes, I'm going to be a mommy. I know I'll be a good provider, everything that this baby has now in preparation for their grand entrance into the world, I've provided.

Plus I've done everything in my power to stay healthy and happy to get my little one healthy and happy before they ever see the light of day. Isn't that what a mommy is supposed to do?