acceptance

so where do i go from here...?

finality and resolution brings about the end of all hope in one aspect. i have no choice but to toss in the towel and accept that what could have been a massive passion, huge adventure, experience in collective creativity and possibly long-lasting love must remain so only in my head. if it was ever to be previously, it isn't now because these things simply must be mutual and this one simply wasn't. the massive passion, maybe, and bits and pieces of the other stuff...... bits and pieces is all i guess. friendship, good and solid, will have to suffice. i'll take it.

i guess much the same way someone currently has certain feelings for me that i find myself unable to reciprocate. all i feel is obligation and heaviness. the obligation runs so deep and it gets deeper everyday. i want out of it. i need to be rid of it. it's suffocating me and it's toxic to me. i try so hard to commit myself to this situation, because past situations tell me that no one else will commit themselves to me, no one has before and the outlook is slim. but i think i prefer solitude to this.

acceptance means realizing i will probably never be the person that others look at and want to commit to. unfortunately maybe i've been told too many times that 'you can't turn a ho into a housewife' but i never wanted to be a housewife, so i'm caring less and less if those same people consider me a ho. acceptance means realizing my life and lifestyle might just be meant for different things that just can't include another. acceptance at this point means breathing and just letting the fuck go of it all; the past, the present, the expectations, the previous plans. maybe it was all wrong and needs to be scrapped and a new drawing board brought out to begin again.

i'm not sure, all i know is that i'm standing in the middle of a battle ground with nothing but smoke and broken bodies laying around me, all of my soldiers are gone and i don't really know if i'm to forge ahead, retreat, or go off and start my own army.... but standing among the ruins is making me wish i had fallen with my ranks and i'm feeling a bit woozy from the smell of decay.

i can accept this shit. but where do i go from here?