Fuck Tolerance

Tolerance.

I kind of hate the term 'Tolerance'. 

Tolerance has become the American phrase for basically not being a dick to people who are different than you. Practice Tolerance. 

What does that mean, really? You don't like that person, you're maybe disgusted by them, but it's civil to silently hate and only tell your true ugly inner feelings to your drinking buddies, close family.... fellow church members.

Tolerance in that sense is cheap and cowardly.

Tolerance in that sense is the bacteria that has settled in the already diseased organ of America and created a perfect breeding ground for the rampant growth of the plague that is Mr. Tells It Like It Is and his supporters. He spews the vileness they've been keeping bottled up in the misguided name of Tolerance.

Tolerance is like us walking toward each other on a sidewalk, and maybe you don't cross the street to avoid me, but you surely don't look me in the eye, nod, smile, or acknowledge my actual existence in any way. You give me a snarling once over, registering every stereotypical trait to shit on later when in the company of your peers.

If that's the best you have to offer, that's all the depth you can muster, fine. That is wading in the moral kiddie pool, but some folks are truly scared of the water.

Personally I'd rather people take that extra step towards Understanding. Learn more about that thing you hate, that thing you fear, and see how much of your hatred just comes from a lack of Understanding. At the very least you Learn about something, your grasp of humanity expands, your knowledge pool deepens, you grow.

And maybe you make that grand leap to Acceptance. I don't mean Permission, I need no ones Permission or Validation to be who I am. I mean Accepting that we may be different and those differences may make you uncomfortable, but that does not justify you treating me differently in any foul or nasty way, even behind my back. You are not allowed to inflict your discomfort on me and my life.

Acceptance means when we meet each other on the street you look me in the eye, free from animosity, and ask me a sincere question about that thing that's behind your hate. And you listen to the answer. Acceptance means I assume your questions come from a place of wanting to Learn and Understand, and I answer them to the best of my ability. Acceptance means we may not walk away as friends but we can be friendly, and we can spread our new knowledge to others to assist in their Understanding.

But, like I said, if Tolerance is all you got to offer then I'll take it. I guess. It'll probably keep us from fighting in the streets. 

Oh, wait... That's not working out so well these days, is it.

Fuck Tolerance. Let's be Human. Let's Learn Understanding in order to Practice Acceptance.

The Truth of Sorrow and Empathy

Post by Rashida Braxton Simmons.

Dear Asshole

Some people come with WAY too many disclaimers!! Too many rules that people need to abide by to be considered worthy of their company, and in return they get to behave in whatever obnoxious manner they see fit just because they constantly shout, "I'M AN ASSHOLE, THIS IS JUST WHO I AM AND YOU EITHER ACCEPT ME OR LEAVE ME ALONE!" Then of course they get uppity when folks sometimes just leave them alone. "THEY JUST COULDN'T HANDLE ME!" 

You're probably right. They couldn't. If you openly acknowledge that you're an asshole, you need to openly accept that you'll probably get treated like one. Yes, the world will accept that you are just an asshole, it's who you are and you simply just can't help it. But too many of you are under the delusion that 'acceptance' means 'tolerance'.

It does not!

For me, acceptance means I am willing to understand that this is just how the situation is going to be. You are an asshole, ok, I get it. Sigh. However I still have a choice! I can choose to keep the asshole in my life, knowing that the asshole will happily continue to be an asshole, or I can choose to leave the asshole alone, knowing that the asshole will happily continue to be an asshole. I tend to leave assholes alone. Just let 'em be.

But I'm a nice person. Some folks might decide to slap the asshole or cuss the asshole out or sleep with the asshole's spouse. The thing is, Asshole, your karma kinda sets you up for this and YOU need to accept that.

If you are determined to be an asshole, you should be determined to be treated like an asshole. Accept that.

Often the flip side is too damn much work! Even subtle assholes require a lot of work to maintain friendships with! Those folks with these vaguely spoken, but mostly unspoken, policies about what can or can't happen, can or can't be spoken, should or shouldn't be worn, laughed about, frowned upon, etc. in their presence!! 

You know the ones, when you leave them you feel like you're back in high school and just took your final exam and you're in the hall wondering, "Did I answer question 8 right? Maybe I shouldn't have written so much? Or maybe I should've written more!" You leave the asshole's presence thinking, "I wonder if they're mad at me for saying that? Why did she look at me like that? Was that a joke or were they serious?" IT'S EXHAUSTING!! And worse, it's not worth it! Why?

BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!! 

Would you think it was worth it to hang out with you, Asshole? I guess you probably would, or else you wouldn't be so much of an asshole and think it was ok. Not just ok, that it makes you somehow smarter, stronger or better than those around you who aren't assholes.

However, I personally think the price of admission to your world is too high; you're asking for too much patience, too much egg-shell walking, too much tolerance for your behavior while not returning that tolerance to those willing to accept it, and basically, as my dad would say, too much "shuckin' and jivin'". Like most luxury items, you might serve a purpose and be fun to have around, but in the end I really can't afford you and I'm probably better off without you.

Imperfect Thoughts - Pencilling Myself In

I keep making plans with myself; plans to exercise daily, plans to write daily, plans to paint my finger and toe nails, plans to sit on the patio and watch the sunrise while sipping coffee and listening to my favorite songs, plans to become a morning person in general.

I suck at keeping all of these plans.

Isn't the first step admitting the problem? I have a big problem with personal accountability. In an office or other work environment I'm great, I will have your office running like water off a duck's back. I will beat your deadlines and you will be thrilled with my results. I'm great at doing this for other people but I have never been able to do this for myself. Not well enough to progress at certain things the way I know I'm capable of. Not nearly as well as I do it for others.

Why!?!

I'm thinking about this a lot right now as I contemplate the true value of returning to school to finish my degree. To what end. What will it contribute or take away from my life? What--? Just what!

I was taught to follow rules, get a degree, get a good job to move forward and all that jazz but I don't want a job, I want to create my own life and prosper and teach my son to do that. I want what my dad did by building his empire. I don't want an empire but I have a voice and I want to use it. I want to write my story in the way that suits me. I have a story and a life that has so much purpose and I see it and I want to share that and I know it's my bliss so it will be how I prosper with my family, in whatever shape that takes for us.

I want to teach Kendi the lesson of building his own life and creating his own dreams and fulfilling them and my degree would have been that for me 10 years ago but now I would rather put that sort of hard work and dedication into the dream that I've had since childhood.

So I will. That's it. That's my motivation. No more tentative plans with myself because I'm the most permanent thing in my life. I need to be my most important obligation. Shit. Ok, let me do this.

Legalize It.

Listening to a talk on legalizing marijuana on NPR and I'm thinking...

Americans start giving kids sugar as babies. Teething biscuits, food that is 'supposed' to help growing teeth, have sugar. Sugar has zero nutritional value and is highly addictive. Food related illnesses are amongst the biggest drain on the healthcare system and amongst the top killers in this country.

Cigarettes are legal if you're over 18 and cigarettes do absolutely nothing but kill by cancers, various cancers. Cigarettes are also highly addictive. Again, huge drain on the healthcare system and cancers from cigarettes are amongst the top killers in this country.

Alcohol is legal if you're 21. Again, zero health benefit but massive health risks. Liver disease, kidney disease, and just good ol' alcoholism because alcohol is highly addictive. Alcohol is another huge drain on our healthcare system on multiple levels, treating the illnesses that alcoholism causes and treating those attempting to beat the addiction. Alcohol is another top killer on more than one level, deaths from alcoholism and alcohol related accidents.

Now.... Marijuana causes NO illnesses. In fact it's used to treat illness, often more effectively than prescription drugs (many of which are also highly addictive and lead to other illnesses). Marijuana is not addictive. Marijuana is responsible for zero deaths (aside from those caused by the criminalization of the substance).

Now, if you are against the legalization of marijuana PLEASE tell me why! I need to see an argument that is real and concrete and is backed by evidence because right now all arguments against are falling far short of logic. #legalizemarijuana

Resolved

Looking back over my schedule over the past four months (hell, the past 6 years, for that matter) coupled with my consistent level of exhaustion and frustration, have made me come up with an unexpected but necessary resolution:

I WILL have at least one day a month TO REST!! One day where I give myself permission to have someone take my child for the day. One day where I give myself permission to say 'No I can't babysit.' One day where I give myself permission to ignore every phone call and spontaneous 'drop-in'. One day where I give myself permission to not cook or clean a thing unless I WANT to.

One day. One WHOLE day, not just a few hours squeezed into an already hectic day. One day.

This is small until I realize that it's more than I've had in 6 years. And it's way more than I've had in the past four months where I've had no time to myself that wasn't spent frantically catching up on life. I'm burnt out and it's starting to affect my overall outlook.

One day a month. 12 days out of 365. That's not a lot to ask and so I'm demanding it.

Month of Me! - Day 25

And today, I rest. Well....sorta. ;-)

Month of Me! - Day 18

Today is a video playlist. Very simply, it's songs that over the years have been the soundtrack to my love for my husband. There are more and the playlist changes, but these seem to stay in heavy rotation.

There are so many ways that I love you, babe. There aren't enough genres. There isn't enough music.
-----

Kindred the Family Soul - "Where Would I Be"

Kindred the Family Soul - "Stars"

Common - "The Light"

Erykah Badu - "Love of My Life; An Ode to Hip Hop"

Stevie Wonder - "Overjoyed"

Raheem DeVaughn - "You"

Jason Mraz - "I'm Yours"

Robin Thicke - "Lost Without U"

Chrisette Michele - "Love Is You"

Jamiroquai - "Canned Heat"

Raul Midon - "Sunshine"

Luther Vandross - "A House is Not a Home"

Duke Ellington and John Coltrane - "In A Sentimental Mood"

 

Month of Me! - Day 17

Today.

Damn today kinda sucked. Lots of reasons but nope, I'm not going there. I'll gripe about that elsewhere.

Right now I will at least give myself props for having posted daily for 17 days!! That's so small, so small. But 'a journey of a thousand miles', and all that jazz.

This is a journey and I'm still walking.

Month of Me! - Day 9

Another late and long day with the sick kid. Another (probably) brief post. 

I honestly don't know what to say about today, but I felt compelled to post something. It was great that I got to spend a whole day with both hubby and son, if only it hadn't been running the streets in an effort to get the sick boy healthy again.

This is the first real moment of quiet thought I've had all day....where I wasn't nodding off in random places.

So maybe today I just give myself a thumbs up for having stuck to my daily posts about (mostly) Me for more than a week. That is kind of a big deal to a chic who in an earlier post admitted to having a problem with consistency. 

So thumbs up, yay me, I'm going to bed.

Month of Me! - Day 8

It's after midnight but since I haven't been to sleep I'm still counting this as day 8. Plus we just came back from a brief and painless trip to the ER with the kiddo for this blastedly persistent fever, so I'm remembering my deal to cut myself some slack and shrugging it off.

Today I did something that I've come to really loathe but my kid really loves; I played in the snow! It snowed today, the first snow of the season, and the kiddo was sick but really, really wanted to play in the snow.

So we bundled up and out we went, into the untouched snow in our back yard. We made snow angels (well that part I left to him, I have no thermals) and threw snow all about and drew pictures and words in the snow and just played for a while. It was pretty fun! Yes. later his fever returned, the uncontrollable shakes he had last night came back and we ended up in the ER, but before that we played in the snow. That was good.

Good night, lovelies. This mama is beat.

Month of Me! - Day 7

I have to keep this brief because I have a 5 year old with a fever to tend to. And I'm damn tired. Which leads me to....

I am going to take better care of the one and only body I have and resume a regular exercise routine. That's it. I have a million reasons why I haven't done this so far and none of them is as important as my health. None of them is as important as being here as long as I can for my husband and son. None of them is as important as showing myself that I can fucking do it because I'm saying I will do it.

I am still healthy enough to only need to maintain my good health not regain my good health. I'm going to keep it that way.

Month of Me! - Day 6

Today's day of self acknowledgement and self indulgence came by way of a package of goodies I ordered from Oyin Handmade (my effort to patronize small businesses on Black Friday while keeping my hair and skin supple and delicious).

I've been spraying and massaging and loving on my hair all day and it damn well needed it. And I'm not super vain about my hair or anything, I just very realistically understand that it's another part of my body and should be cared for as well as the rest of me. It doesn't have to be all styled and cute but it has to be healthy, just like the rest of me!

And I'll smell SCRUMPTIOUS!! Seriously, the right combo of Oyin products makes me smell like sexy cookies all day long and who doesn't want that!! 

Month of Me! - Day 4

Tody I practiced the art of cutting myself some fucking slack.

Sometimes I'm very hard on myself and  not good at asking for or accepting help. I don't let myself off the hook very easily either and I tend to overdo things when I'm at my worst (overcompensation). It doesn't always mean I'm effective or efficient, but it usually means I'm stressed out.

Today I dragged myself out of bed after wretched sleep and immediately started a mental lashing for all the things I should've done yesterday but didn't, all the things I'll unrealistically heap on myself today and all the things I'll leave myself inevitably to do tomorrow and then I said--

STOP DAMMIT!!

I made myself stop the useless lashing and start the useful day. I told myself 'today I will do today' and I made myself a pot of Café Bustelo and cut myself some fucking slack. 

And did the day.

Month of Me! - Day 3

Today I decided to grant myself a low-guilt splurge! Indulge one of my addictions in a small but satisfying way. I hit the $4.95 sale on Audible.com and got me two new audiobooks!! (Pause for geek dance that oddly resembles Snoopy's happy dance!)

I snagged 'Helter Skelter: The Manson Murders' which I've never read and 'Journey to the Center of the Earth' which I have read but Tim Curry narrates so I had to get it for just that reason. Crush and sigh.

So there's day three of ME!! $9.90 of nerd joy!

Month of Me! - Day 2

Today I toot my own horn. In fact, today I'm going to sound like the brass section of a symphony. Today I want to tell the world some things about me that make me proud. Typically I might mention some of these things in a casual, joking manner because.... I don't know. Maybe humility or maybe just self consciousness. Whatever, I'm doing it now.

So here's a random number of things I love about ME!:

I laugh a lot! A lot! I'm the kind of person to crack jokes while I'm crying. I'll find something funny at a funeral....probably at anything that takes place in a church. 

Which tells you that my humor is also a bit crass, but eh, I'm still funny. To me at least. And since I'm a hermit my own amusement is what's important.

Oh yeah, I'm an awesome hermit! The best! I'm a boss at hermitry. 

I'm a really good girlfriend/partner/wife because I like knowing I made someone happy. Plus.....

I'm AWESOME at sex! FRIGGIN AWESOME!! Ask around, I'm a floozy too so someone you know probably knows from experience.

And yes, I can joke myself. I don't get offended very easily so I don't mind being joked either.

I'm a really good writer when I put my mind to it. I call myself a Retired Poet however. Don't ask.

I have a huge and amazingly random collection of useless trivia in my head. 

I have a huge and amazingly random collection of music in my head. Music is never useless.

I can sing a little bit.

I'm a great dancer.

For years I thought that I was sexy but not pretty. It greatly affected how I approached life. Now I know I'm beautiful and that's how I approach life.

I'm a perpetually chipper cynic!

I'm really stinkin smart and good at plenty of things and most of the things I'm the best at I taught myself.

I'm a phenomenal mom. Doubts and challenges aside, I'm a phenomenal mom.

I try really hard to be a good friend. I don't always succeed but the best intention is always there.

I know when enough's enough so I'll wrap up ShidaPalooza. That was actually fun! Not nearly as creepy and self-stalkerish as I anticipated. And I'm pretty sure I told the truth about it all. Give it a shot, what's kick ass about you? Brag, boast, show you some luv, it feels good!

Now I have to click post real quick before I chicken out and replace this with some drivel about crafts or shoe shopping. See you tomorrow! :)

Month of Me! - Day 1

I'll be 39 this month and I feel pretty damn good about it. Financially our lives could definitely be better, but emotionally I am in a really good place and I feel the same coming from my boys. That says a hell of a lot considering our journey over the past few years.

So I'm taking some time to do something I never do in a way that is really difficult for me: I'm going to consistently do something to pay attention to ME at least once a day for the next 30 days. I never pay attention to myself and I suck at consistency, so there you go. The Month of Me, 30 days of self love, self expression, self exposure, self.

I'm not quite sure what form this month will eventually take but I'm willing to drag anyone along who's bored enough to follow.

For today, Day 1, I'm sharing a video that I've shared before about a rather awful experience I had as a teenager. I'm sharing this not because I'm proud to have survived it relatively unscathed, especially since there were other more awful experiences that I was not so lucky to escape so easily, but because this is an important part of who I am today as a woman, mother, wife, and friend. This plays a large part in the lessons I teach my son (and one day I'll show him this) and the value I have for the gentle yet protective nature of my husband.

This isn't a high point but a life lesson and the best learned lessons require occasional reinforcing.

random thoughts: stuffed but empty

in very basic terms, i'm a minimalist. over the years I've 'lost' my possessions (televisions, stereos, books, clothes, sentimental things, etc) repeatedly due to moves, basement floods, theft and various other circumstances. each time things get lost it hurts for a bit but never more than a month or two because that's how long I give myself to say 'well I've managed two month without ______, so I don't need it.'

'hoarders' the tv show shows the extreme side of a very common problem in this country; our self-worth lies in our possessions. it's the down side of a capitalist society, we have to have lots of pretty things to show our success. it's a lie and a mask, a mask made of lots and lots of stuff covering lots and lots of inner emptiness.

I'm deeply grateful to be able to take stock and see I have way more love in my life than 'stuff' and I realize I never want it any other way.

a short note to the perpetually grumpy

hey you, grumpy person!! yea you! here's some advice:

1. be happy things are getting done instead of being angry they aren't done 'your way'.

2. treat other people's feelings, ideas, time and property the way you want yours treated.

3. stop asking for more than you're willing to give.

4. spend twice as much time talking about what you LOVE and HALF the time talking about what you hate.

5. spend more time SHOWING gratitude for the life you have instead of showing resentment for the things you don't have.

and SMILE!!!!! :D

there, feel better!?

rest peacefully, uncle gene

yesterday my uncle gene left us to take his place with the ancestors.

uncle gene was a cool dude, y'all. infinitely happy, full of laughter and jokes! he was lovingly married for 47 years.

the last time I saw him was many years ago when my angst and rebellion were at it's height. we were at a family reunion and he took me aside and said 'I know you're a good girl, I know you're a smart girl, I know you're wearing your mama out but she's your mama and she wants to protect you so it's hard for her to get that you don't fit in a small, safe box. your box is as big as this world and you just need the freedom to explore every corner.you'll be all right.' then he hugged me. very simple, but it was one of the most important things that an elder could've said to me at a time when I was struggling to fit into that small, safe box but failing miserably.

I can't mourn for uncle gene because he spread 77 years of good vibrations to everyone he met and that's going to last forever. I do mourn for those closer to him who will feel that empty space that his smile and laughter once filled much more acutely. my aunt lost her husband of 47 years. my cousins lost their dad. my mom lost her big brother.

my most sincere love and blessings are with my Hughes family. there's a whole lot of Hughes' and all that collective love and support is needed now.

keep watching out for your family, uncle gene. and keep an eye on me while I keep finding my own way through this world. I love you, rest peacefully.